The Avengers

433
By Mark Ramsey | 2012/05/08

Earth is under attack!

This is a job for as many B-level comic book heroes as we can contractually lock in, all under the direction of Samuel L. Jackson as the aptly named “Nick Fury,” a leader with no depth perception and a tendency for the kind of colorful language that a PG-13 washes out of his mouth with a bit of soap.

Saving the world is one task – making it safe for a Scarlett Johansson performance is quite another.  In The Avengers Scarlett must not only act, she must act Russian! Listen, I wouldn’t trust Scarlett to save the world if it only meant saving the world’s very last issue of Vogue.

So let’s assemble our team:  Who better to defend Earth from armageddon than a guy from the ’40′s with a sturdy shield, a Dolce & Gabbana spokesmodel, a lifeguard with a really big hammer, a guy with anger issues, and “Shecky” Stark, a wise-cracking man in iron whose suit is 100% heckle-proof.

And while we’re at it, let’s include an archer, because what could be more effective against interstellar battle than a bow and arrows? “You never know when an alien invader is the Sheriff of Nottingham,” warned Jackson.

The problem begins when a cube – the doorway to the other end of space – is stolen from a presumably secure government location.  Why do we need a doorway to the other end of space?  “To find a place where The Housewives of Orange County has never aired” replied Jackson.

That’s good enough for me.

The evil Loki returns from Marvel movies past to steal the cube.  So Earth must face its most potent foe – a spear-carrying guy dressed like a gold antelope who seeks to free us from our freedom.  Bring on the extraterrestrial petting zoo!

“My horns are huge and so I must be compensating for something,” acknowledged Loki, who was nevertheless spotted with a Kardashian and introducing his own line of girly hair products.

Warfighting ensues.  Time to cue our archery team from Dolce & Gabbana.

Enter The Hulk, as played by Eric Bana…I mean, Edward Norton…I mean, Mark Ruffalo…I mean, who really cares who plays The Hulk? We’re talking about following in the big green footsteps of Lou Ferrigno, after all.

So our heroes must recover the cube because it is the secret to sustainable energy.  “The less detail I go into there, the quicker we can get to the action and sustain our international box office,” explained Sam Jackson.

But first, our heroes must battle each other and learn to get along while dodging Robert Downey Jr.’s, gamma-ray powered one-liners. “I’m the Jamie Kennedy of the Avengers,” said Downey, “and I’m here all week!”

Scarlett Johansson’s secret power is her sheer Johanssonness, and the sheerer the better.  “In my skintight catsuit, my power is to make high expectations disappear,” said Johansson, without moving a single facial muscle.

“You mewling quim!” Scarlett shouts at Loki using the kind of language that Scarlett could only have read one syllable at a time and practiced in front of the mirror when she wasn’t otherwise shooting self-pics.

“So we’re using Jeopardy-style insults are we,” replied Loki “in a movie featuring a flying aircraft carrier?! So be it, you breezy squib!”

“I have to wipe out the red in my ledger,” explained Scarlett, “although red is the new black, so assuming we mean the ledger between my butt and my thigh maybe it’s an improvement.”

Enter giant flying tadpoles from a hole in the sky!  They’re set to destroy Earth – slowly and evidently one building at a time.

“At this rate we shall control this planet in two-and-a-half centuries!” said Loki.  “And that’s one century quicker than CBS can control Two and a Half Men.

The Avengers is everything it was intended to be, which isn’t much more than a warm-weather kickoff.  So check your big green troubles and your bow at the door, slip on your 3D eyepatch, slide into your catsuit, and get ready for your rimshot cue.

“Target acquired, target engaged, target angry….” Target tired.

433

433 Responses to “The Avengers”

  1. Jay says:

    Th e difference between Mark Ramsey and Tony Stark. Tony is a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist and Mark is not.

    Also, Tony’s one liners are actually funny.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This just in, Sherlock…Tony is a fiction.

    [Reply]

    Magda Reply:

    this just in, ramsey… you’re still not funny.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Technically speaking, a bulletin must contain some sort of news, not the absence of news.

    Rob Reply:

    You’re funny, Mark. Do crabby people just not get it?

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Shhhh! Really! :-)

    Monster ate the Critic Reply:

    “Tony is a fiction.”

    Don’t tell me Mark Ramsey is real?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Let me pinch myself and find out for sure.

    Meredith Reply:

    Lets take in point that the ENTIRE MOVIE is fiction based on marvel comics. (the same people who came out with radioactive spiders and a blind, acrobatic superhero) Under the conditions, they did a good job trying to make it as realistic as possible. I mean, of course they can’t make it all realistic, it’s a superhero movie. impossible things are supposed to happen in a seemingly normal world.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t need it to be realistic. I’d just settle for “good.”

  2. Nathan Martin says:

    I am disappointed to find that there’s no review here. I came looking for negative reviews to pinhole the movie’s flaws, but all I’ve found here are various jabs that have little to do with the movie itself.

    The Hulk’s previous actors? They relate to the marketing and movie lead-up, but that’s got nothing to do with the current film. Frankly, I felt like the Hulk in the Avengers helped to partially redeem the cinematic horrors that have been done to the character.

    I did grin at a lot of your quips, and the criticism of their plan to apparently destroy humanity one building at a time was spot on. It’s just unfortunate that for a movie being criticized as pretty much being a platform for Whedon one-liners, you’ve turned your review into exactly the same thing. Next review: Keep the giggles, but more specific content, please!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’d like to say…at least you were disappointed. But you are so nice that you should please pretend I didn’t say it.

    [Reply]

    unasdasdf Reply:

    total tool with no clear idea what he is talking about. Close minded for sure…we know who i’m talking about. I “like” how focuses on actors and actresses instead of the characters themselves. Total phoney trying too hard to disagree with the obvious and let me repeat myself by saying “it’s very obvious”.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well I sure have no clear idea what YOU are talking about.

    [Reply]

  3. Mark Ramsey says:

    Me like cucumber.
    Me do not like movies.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I recommend the field greens.

    [Reply]

  4. MobileJoel says:

    I tried really hard to figure out why the reviewer thinks this was a bad movie. I’m guessing a general lack of believe-ability was the key theme. While some heroes were much “stronger” than others on the team, at the end of the movie, it seemed to work out. There’s an article in las Sunday’s Los Angeles Times, written by Neal Kirby, son of Jack Kirby, the creator of the Avengers. In it, Neal talks about how he told his dad that the Thor helmet seemed to top-heavy for the Norse God to wear. Jack Kirby’s response, ”
    Remember [pointing at the penciled page], Superhero.”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    He might have added…remember, comic – not movie.

    [Reply]

    Whatever-Man Reply:

    Ha ha ha… what a dumb you are, trying to be funny…
    Tell me, you wise ass, what is a MOVIE to you!? Or a COMIC??? Do you really thing you can define the genre with your “funny” little words? You really believe you can say what other media could end into a feautre Film? I mean, Books are Books, Novels are Novels, Mithology is Mithology, Tales are Tales, Biographies are Biographies, Stage plays are Stage Plays… None of those never ended in a Movie Film according to your “theory”??!??!?
    With those arguments and with your whole review, I’m even more encouraged to go to the movies and watch this Film twice!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I hope you see it a hundred times…and that your mom has to spoon what’s left of your brains off the theater floor.

    Bandit Reply:

    Hey Whatever — where are you from? I only ask because if you can’t spell or put words into correct grammer, it’s had to take you seriously. Oh, and you really don’t make a cogent argument/crtique either.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    My review is coming from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE! Get out of the house!

  5. John says:

    Lol. why are people leaving comments? It’s a movie satire site for one. But more importantly, any reviewer who actually responds to comments about his review is a level 10 fag.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    See now you started so well, and like a Joss Whedon movie it went straight downhill.

    [Reply]

    John Reply:

    oh, so Joss Whedon movies start on top of a hill before they go downhill? That’s not very satirical of you. Get your head out of your ass and stop loving the beginning of Joss Whedon films so much.No one likes a kiss ass Mark.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ouch. Good point. Sorry!

    Stark Reply:

    A three sentence comment is more insightful than the review. Nice job, John.

    [Reply]

  6. TommyB says:

    Oh my! More than a hundred posts in two days…
    That can mean only one thing: Raging Joss Whedon fanboys!

    I hope you’ll trash the upcoming Batman movie or any movie by Christopher Nolan . You’ll get at least 300 posts in two days.

    No matter what’s in the original comic books, you don’t use characters that shoot with a bow or use hand to hand combat to fight aliens or a god from walhalla.
    That’s just ridiculous.
    Maybe it works in the comic book when a twelve year old boy reads it, but in the movie… Come on!

    Remember that scene in the movie where they “regroup” (or…cuddle…or whatever…)?
    You have Iron Man and the God of Thunder and then there’s….a guy with a bow and Scarlett Johansson in a tight suit. And what does she do? She draws a gun!
    That’s just hilarious!

    Thanks for the review, Mark, I liked it. If you put silly stuff in a movie, it has to be mocked.
    And after all, it’s just a popcorn flick even if it’s directed by “Sir Buffy Whedon”!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Tom!

    While I can make fun of Mr. Nolan, his work is easy to love.

    [Reply]

  7. Alex says:

    Well, I did not like that much the movie too (I would give it a 5/10: if jokes are predictable they are not funny anymore) but now I like it more because it made me discover you sense of humor! Your replies are great!

    The biggets answer however is: “why old Alpha Jets on the deck of a futuristic aircraft carrier?”.
    Awaiting for “Prometheus”…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Budget!

    Can’t wait for Prometheus…

    [Reply]

    rogy Reply:

    oh you mean alien…..

    [Reply]

  8. Fleck says:

    Based on this review, I only have one question… What do you find entertaining?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The EXIT sign kept flickering.

    [Reply]

  9. Franky says:

    Mark I really enjoyed your review, it was really funny. But I think it would have been even better if you included more factual evidence for the failure of this movie like Tony Medley did. But you got the main concerns right: the screenplay and dialogue are wildly laughable, story non-existent and plot holes everywhere. The thing is people dont get it the way you wrote it. Still quite entertaining review!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Let’s keep it our secret! Thanks.

    [Reply]

  10. Eliran Attias says:

    Finally a critic who’s not afraid to tell it like it is. This movie lacked so much depth, character development, went on for far too long, abused the special effects, contained far too many cheesy one liners and tried absurdly hard to be a comedy. It’s the end of the world and everyone is a comedian.
    Not a terrible movie, I just personally expected so much more for a 93% RT movie rating.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, yes, yes. Well said.

    And now we’ll have lots more just like it.

    [Reply]

    rogy Reply:

    character developement????????? Did you not know they all had their own movie, in which their characters developed? They developed as a team…. thus the premise of the movie

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    No, the team developed. They didn’t. And the team isn’t human. They are.

  11. John says:

    Hey Ramsey I haven’t seen this movie yet but your review was obv a cynical and vain attempt at trolling for attention seeking site hits, nothing more.
    Although I can see why this and other mega blockbusters can use some semi slanderous satirical dialogue thrown in their direction. In these times of global financial crises and given the fucked up current state of our world in general. The highest paid people on the planet continue to be the actors and studios and employees producing these things…Of course they should stop taking themselves so uber seriously while the common man and so many single moms who can’t find solid employment despite being half buried by College debt. Is still clocking the double shift of a BK whopper between a Walmart employee pay as you go insurance health scam eating up the pre requisite 40% income on top of taxable 30% income… Maybe Rob Down Junior can legit wittify up a 1 liner to humorously quiff away that little reality. If he called up a writer for one…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Excuse me while I pour a stiff drink.

    [Reply]

  12. YourDad says:

    You have to admit, his spelling is quite good for an 8 year old.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thank you!

    [Reply]

  13. Jack says:

    I thought your review to be rather unfair – the film was very entertaining and well made, and to criticise it based on their inclusion of an “archer”, when you know very well that they were working from established source material, is pretty poor. If you genuinely disliked the film it’s not too much to….
    ….aaaand I stopped my comment in order to check out the rest of this website before posting. Looks like precious few others bothered to do the same, what with all the righteous indignation spewed on this comment page, still, I guess that’s part of the fun for you.
    “Problem officer?”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Being a lazy reader has its rewards. :-)

    [Reply]

  14. Anakinsolo68 says:

    I saw The Avengers and I loved it. I’m also a big comic book fan. Your critique of the movie is terrible. I can respect someone’s opinion, but its like you didnt even try, you just made bad jokes. You also whined about the characters in the movie… Which doesnt make sense as thats not really an option. Cap, Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, and Hawkeye are the original Avengers. And they actually did cut out the heroes that wouldnt have fit in the movie like Giant Man and Wasp. Also, Loki’s look is a lot less ridiculous than how he looks in the comics. Im not quite sure what you were expecting out of this movie, especially since it was very good.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If only it had contained Giant Man and Wasp, I’m sure it would have been great.

    Oh, also if it had contained the least bit of a soul.

    [Reply]

  15. Brendan says:

    This review seems to be an awful attempt at trolling to me. Degrading the characters because they shouldn’t be in a movie is something you should have foreseen when you went to go see the “Avengers”. If you were expecting them to assemble only super heroes that were screen worthy then maybe you shouldn’t have watched it in the first place or else a little insight into the avenger’s history might be helpful because your review shows little knowledge of it,

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I never said they shouldn’t be in a movie. Just not in THIS one.

    But yes, I have not studied the history of the Avengers. But I am up to speed on the history of Goblins and Banshees.

    [Reply]

  16. rui says:

    Do you consider yourself a movie reviewer or a comedian?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    [Reply]

    rui Reply:

    always a way out right?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you say so!

  17. Monster ate the Critic says:

    You never know when an alien invader is the Sheriff of Nottingham, and you never know when a movie critic is someone who got rejected at comedy school.

    But at least Mark Ramsey tried really hard. He watched a superhero comic book movie and finally realized that it was based on superhero comics. Unfortunately, that did not happen before he wrote his review.

    So dear guests, come back next week when Mark Ramsey discovers that monkeys have no wings, horses can’t speak and movie critics don’t get as much money as actors in superhero movies do.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Unlike monkeys with wings, this movie has neither heart nor soul.

    [Reply]

    Monster ate the Critic Reply:

    Just curious… how long did it take you to write this reply?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You mean one I made already or this one?

    rogy Reply:

    what kind of soul are you looking for? Someones parents get killed in a robbery, or someones uncle gets shot during a robbery….? we dont care about the heros back stories cause that happened in the their own movie. it isnt batman, it doesnt need to be edgy..the firlst hulk was artsey and edgy, and everyone hated it …you are just in the 4 percent tile, but not the good one

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Exactly, who needs soul? Who needs heart? We want empty-headed sensation! We want a video game we can eat to, not play to.

    Stark Reply:

    To paraphrase another comic book movie, “Who reviews the reviewer?” “Monster ate the critic” gives us another reply wittier (and containing “more soul”) than the review!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least something contains the soul that this movie so sorely lacks.

    [Reply]

  18. Captain Picard says:

    Lt. Ramsey we need to hits on our site – set phasers to troll!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Big thumbs?

    [Reply]

  19. Vic says:

    On IMDB, both ’12 Samurai’ and ‘The Avengers’ have scored 8.8.
    The world we live in, Mark. The world we live in…. *sigh*

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re telling me…. Thanks for the note.

    [Reply]

  20. Doctor Impossible says:

    Well past the point of anyone giving a damn. Actual humor might have made for an entertaining review despite it’s late arrival, but, well… it seems Mr. Ramsey lacks both timeliness *and* humor.

    Don’t give up your day job, sir. Unless this *is* your day job. In that case, a career change is probably in order.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least my job is to make fun of silly costumes, not to aspire to one.

    [Reply]

    Doctor Impossible Reply:

    Ah, I see. You assume I’m someone who likes superhero movies, as opposed to someone who simply detests crap writing. Not your first mistake, for certain.

    But that was not a bad rib, if a little grade school (the ‘Oh yeah? Well at least my… ‘ comeback is a dead giveaway.)

    But keep at it! Every man has to have a dream, and in another ten years you might be writing jokes like a real live grown-up.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Words of wisdom from a man named “Doctor Impossible.”

    When the comic shop closes, please don’t forget to turn out the lights.

    Doctor Impossible Reply:

    You know you’re out of comebacks and thus soundly defeated when you resort to making fun of usernames. Grade school indeed.

    Until next time!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Catchphrase: “Impossible, away!”

    Captain Insano Reply:

    At Least Mr. Ramsey uses his real photo lol

    rogy Reply:

    name one super hero movie whose costume wasnt “stupid” only batman, cause its black, and not spandex. you probably wanted the original optimus prime design in transformers, but not original comic designs?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re not helping your argument by bringing Optimus Prime into it.

  21. chaitanya says:

    funny as always Mark, but the Mewling Quim joke is built upon a mistake..it is loki that shouts this, not the Scarlett which can’t act.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    So I hear! Sorry!

    I think it would have been vastly funnier if she had said it, no?

    [Reply]

    chaitanya Reply:

    Indeed.

    [Reply]

    Dorphl Reply:

    So you HEAR? Did you not watch the movie to find out for yourself? It’s reviewers like you who bring down movies’ ranking on trusted sites like Rotten Tomatoes, by shamelessly panning movies which are so far out of your depth that you can’t even be bothered to pay attention during the screening. And seeing as this movie wasn’t particularly deep (awesome though it may have been), I’m guessing your depth is about Piranha 3D level. Stick to movies like that.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I just did.

  22. Naomi says:

    Four references to Sam Jackson, one reference to Robert Downey Jr., and not a single reference to Joss Whedon. Not one.

    And then there are nine – count them, nine – references to Scarlett Johansson. Mainly in terms of her body: the skintight suit, the “ledger” between her thigh and her butt, etc etc ad nauseam. Although you appear to want to give the impression that you were put off by her performance, it seems a lot more likely that you’re borderline obsessed with her.

    Throwing around sexist, off-color “jokes” about her body doesn’t make you a Real Man, nor does your refusal to give Whedon even a single mention make you any kind of reviewer.

    And you keep insisting that this movie “doesn’t have a soul”. What does that even mean? Here’s what a superhero movie is meant to do: a) entertain the audience and b) bring the original comic books to life. The Avengers succeeded in both regards, and not once in your sad attempt at satire did you address this. I realize you were far more interested in trying to write “zingers” than trying to write a review, but here’s the plain truth: you’re a movie reviewer. Your job is to review movies. You failed.

    Joss Whedon’s job was to make a superhero movie. He succeeded.

    Scarlett Johansson’s job was to act in said movie. She succeeded – and she did it with as much poise and sincerity as any of her costars. Clearly none of this was evident to someone of your “hehe, she has boobies!” mentality, but it was to the rest of us.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Since you’re counting references, try counting references to “I don’t really care.”

    So far, I count one.

    [Reply]

    Miles Butterfeuker Reply:

    You know what? Fuck this. You satirized a movie review to a movie that, hey, we really like a lot…. man. Dude. I’m fuckin’ not even kidding. This is a totally serious job that you should be taking really cereal. So, in summation: DIE RAMSEY DIE*! Reference that.

    *(German for “The Ramsey, The!”)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re quite angry for someone who takes cereal.

    Michael Warsun Reply:

    Incredible, Naomi, your comment was cloe to perfect. The clear intent of this article didn’t evade the readers, but still it was slightly disconcerting to see him continue to evade the questions of readers in the comments section as to how ridiculous Mr. Ramsey’s defense truly is. Then I read your comment, you made all the necessary points in the movies defense and this was the only time I have seen Mr. Ramsey truly have absolutely nothing to say to either evade your statement or answer it honestly. Very well done, it was fun reading your final paragraph was incredible, and my favorite part of this whole piece was how the only answer of any kind that Mr. Ramsey could say back was, and I quote “Since you’re counting references, try counting references to “I don’t really care,” so far, I count one.”

    It’s just so great to see him try, really try to come up with something snappy and it’s clear that “I really don’t care” don’t really fit the “snappy comebacks to evade having to write a real defense” it does however fit perfectly under the “I can’t think of anything to say, so I’m just going to blankly right ‘I don’t care’ and hope everyone doesn’t see how obvious it is that I can’t think of anything snappy to say about this commenter”

    Well done Naomi, keep it up! :)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Michael, maybe you’ll remove your lips from Naomi’s posterior long enough to see me laugh at you.

    [Reply]

    Michael Warsun Reply:

    Buddy, I know you liked the movie, no matter what you say, I also understand that you have been on this page at least twice today to answer new commenters.. You clearly have to much time on your hands. I also understand that someone reviewing the movie would give a logical answer when someone posts a question. Since you have not only not answer and also are trying to be some kind of knockoff on Robin Williams its clear that your doing this for your websites view. Sadly you must be young, and I’ll tell you why, because the young don’t think ahead. Have you ever thought about why there aren’t many movie reviewers out there that don’t do the same thing your doing. Because your ruining your name. Negative attention is fun for now, but please think about later. I know this is, like any tv show, an act which also means please understand I have nothing against you. But I hope for your sake that your using a fake name, I think you know why. Also, I truly think you liked the movie, because there isn’t any anger or any other emotions in your review, just (controversial on if it’s good) comedy. Truly good luck with all your future plans :). (by the way proof that your just playing this whole thing in order to get people, even angry people, onto your website is the following. You have replayed to I think every comment which means you have read every comment, there is no one..l even the mentally handicapped, who would continue to write in the same manner and style without even considering to rethink how you would analyze a movie. My ending… You DID like the movie and your just playing the “mean movie reviewer” to get views.. If you care to disagree with this, please present real, logical reasons as to why you disliked the movie. (btw I would love to get a REAL logical response from you because I DID ask a question and as the writer you should answer it, but speaking as I know very well I’m going to get an irrelevant joke comment back… All I have to say is… Make it a good one buddy! :)

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Nanoo-nanoo.

  23. Monster ate the Critic says:

    Dear Mark Ramsey,

    either way you lose.

    If you are wrong, you’re wrong.

    But IF (!) you were right… if this really was a bad movie…
    then Whedon could always start making better movies, but you could never start being funny.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know, am I losing if I soak up so much of your time writing comments to someone you despise? I don’t think so.

    [Reply]

    Miles Butterfeuker Reply:

    Ah, but am I losing if you spend so much time writing comments to someone who spends so much time writing comments to another person who writes fucking comments to someone you despise?? Think about that, Nancy.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m not sure who this “Nancy” is. I think you flamed the wrong comment.

    Monster ate the Critic Reply:

    Did I write so much? Damn it! That’s 15 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Those minutes are MINE now (cue diabolical laugh)!

  24. Troll Police says:

    Obvious troll is obvious.

    If not, I’m sure your target demographic of strangely dressed “ironic” high school/college hipsters appreciated your post… and they did it before it was cool bro.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Now that’s a great target audience! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  25. John Ottway says:

    I just kept wishing throughout the movie that a bunch of wolves would appear and eat everyone. Now, let’s see where this movie stole from others:

    1) Blasting the mothership to disable the aliens. Halo Reach “Deliver Hope” commercial.

    2) Blasting a dangerous object into outer space, then blacking out, and falling back down to earth in slow motion, to be revived. Superman Returns.

    Bows and arrows vs machine-gun wielding aliens is quite original though. And ballsy. ( Maybe just shameless? ) And stupid.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I can’t believe I forgot about the Superman thing! I KNEW that felt familiar! Like almost EVERYTHING else in this movie. But it didn’t feel like a steal – until now! Very perceptive catch!

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

    Griffin Reply:

    because what no other movie ever used a similar concept to another ?

    halo reach aliens attacking earth only a team of super soldiers can stop them “original”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Similar?! Ripoff.

    [Reply]

  26. Steve says:

    I stopped reading this “review” after a few paragraphs. The review so obviously stinks of a man who desperately craves the spotlight. To top it off, you argue with the folks who disagree with your assessment. Well here’s something funny Mr. Ramsey, you put the “Ass” in “assessment.” Your job here isn’t about you, it’s about providing guidance to an audience that might want an “expert” opinion on a particular subject matter. I’m shocked that you have a medium to provide your analysis (yes, you put the “anal” in that word too). By the way, it was a pretty entertaining movie. It accomplished what it was supposed to and that is saying something. You were supposed to write a review of a movie and in the end, you didn’t accomplish that now did you.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Go back to your flash cards.

    [Reply]

  27. Ted says:

    Reply to this if you are gay.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Looks like you just did.

    [Reply]

  28. Daniel says:

    Mark,
    I though it was a great movie because it did exactly what a movie is supposed to do entertain the audience. Who gives a crap if it is totally implausible duh, its based on a comic book you obviously never read. How old are you? Were you ever a kid? Have you no imagination? That is all.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Imagination is one thing. This was crapmagination.

    [Reply]

  29. unicornsarentrealnotarealword says:

    I have to respect the turd for trying to be a terrible critic unlike Mr. Ebert himself. By the way do you suffer from down syndrome?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Only Down On You syndrome.

    [Reply]

    igorr Reply:

    WOW! how old are you, 13?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m very mature for my age!

  30. John Drake says:

    Numerous references to Dolce & Gabbana . Random quotes that were NOT from the film that represent the “reviewer’s” pathetic attempt at snarky humor and self-aggrandizing wit. Obviously would be MUCH happier reviewing classic films like “A Star is Born”, “All That Jazz”, “Chicago” and The Birdcage”. You limp wristed, mewling quim, sir, are a heterophobe, not a film critic. The President says it’s OK if you marry.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Looks like random quotes threaten your sexuality. As a result you can expect many more.

    [Reply]

  31. Boo says:

    Boo.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Be gone, damnable spirit!

    [Reply]

  32. Andrew says:

    In response to the last comment: I’d have to liken the nuking of the mother-ship to disable the aliens more to Star Wars Episode 1 — when the droid control ship is destroyed, thus disabling the (already retarded) droids on Naboo.
    It’s also worth pointing out that nowhere in Avengers does it explain that destroying this ship would lead to the aliens being disabled anyway. I guess it was just luck, I guess?
    Furthermore, Mark I respect your satire while not necessarily agreeing with all of it. You definitely approached this review with a fan-boy cattle prod in hand, and needless to say, you succeeded. Well done, sir.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You are a gentleman, Andrew. Thanks!

    [Reply]

  33. Leon says:

    Great job on the review Mark.
    All of your comments are really funny too.

    People dont like to think anymore they just want special effects and 3d. (Before anyone says that I seem like someone who does not like superhero, or special effect movies,I am a huge Batman fan and I loved District 9 and Inception).
    People should remember that special effects are there to help the director tell the story they are not supposed to be the story.
    I don’t understand why people are so upset, it is a stupid movie with a stupid premise, if you had fun watching it than cudos to you. You don’t have to trash someone because they have an opposite opinion.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey thanks!

    And you are so right about sadly overused FX.

    [Reply]

    ScottGL Reply:

    Leon – Don’t be a hypocrite. The street runs both ways. Mark’s review sinks to a personal attack on the actors and rude comments about what is “between the butt and thigh.” Mark doesn’t “have to trash” what they do in their off time. If he stuck to real facts and just a opinion of the movie, I would give it more credence.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t understand what’s unreal about what’s between the butt and thigh.

    [Reply]

    Leon Reply:

    Scott:
    Fact: Its just a movie
    Fact: You didn’t write it, you did not star in it, you didn’t produce it, so you and everyone else should not take this so personally. Its just a review.
    Fact: You are entitled to your opinion as is everyone else.
    Also a fact: In my opinion the movie sucked and I agree with Mark.

    [Reply]

    ScottGL Reply:

    Leon – You are right, it is a review, and I understand it is an opinion. If Mark believes the film sucks, then he should just say why. It should not however become a childish tirade of Mark’s personal biases against the actors.

    Attacking an actor because he wears Dolce & Gabanna has nothing to do with the film. He puts quotes around items that were never said, and when one of them was actually said, he credits it to the wrong person. He makes senseless references to Jeopardy, Kardasians, The Real Housewives of Orange Country, petting zoos, the list goes on and on. It is inaccurate and unprofessional.

    Mark’s opinions sway the results on sites like Rotten Tomatoes and people who turn to his review to see what was wrong with the film deserve a clear picture of why he feels that way.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    In the annals of comments to this blog, this is among the most breathlessly clueless.

    Congratulations!

    igorr Reply:

    i hate republicans.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And I’m no fan of guacamole.

    [Reply]

  34. Kaila says:

    This is a terrible review!! I can’t believe Rotten Tomatoes actually used this. This person has blind contempt for superhero movies and Scarlet Johansson, and for no conceivable reason. Leave the rest of us who read comic books as children to our summer fun and go back to your brooding, self-important indie movies where you belong.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Self-important is better than not important.

    [Reply]

  35. Chris says:

    I wasted my money on this piece of garbage after seeing good reviews on Fandango. Afterwards, I checked out Rotten Tomatoes only to be shocked again by the mostly good critical reviews.
    Thank you, Mark Ramsey, for being one of the few reviewers who is neither in the pocket of the studios nor mentally challenged.
    Granted, the movie had some funny one-liners and great special effects. But that is not enough to make for an even decent movie.
    The storyline is sloppy to non-existent and the characters’ abilities are ridiculous. The way the Hulk was kicking ass at the end, not even Superman could have stopped him.
    Apparently, most guys who criticize your negative review have yet to see a movie based on a comic book that they didn’t like.
    On the acting front, I was surprised the worst acting did not come from one of the “superheroes” but from Samuel Jackson..who acts here the same as in his “Siri” commercial.
    By the way, Mark, your line about the archer was at least as clever as best lines in this travesty/tragedy of a movie (which almost makes Hunger Games look good) and gave me a good chuckle.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ha!

    “Siri, kill Loki!”

    Maybe Sam suldnt see the dialogue without his good eye.

    Thanks.

    [Reply]

    Alison Ordonez Reply:

    Dood. You’re obviously not a comic book fan. Marvel Vs. DC. Superman CAN’T stop the Hulk.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    So are you saying the future of humanity must be held victim to the vagaries of intellectual property?

  36. Rob says:

    He’s just bad at reviewing films. And not funny. Also a little obnoxious. Kind of juvenile. Sort of a snot. Probably couldn’t define irony if you asked him on the spot. Assuredly not as rich, successful, talented, or attractive as anyone that worked on or in this film. Should probably just cut his loses and work for the GOP’s as a pr consultant.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Why are you talking about me like I’m not right here?

    [Reply]

    Captain Insano Reply:

    Keep doing your thing Mark. Your insight is fresh and applaudable.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks!

    Andrew Reply:

    Digital anonymity, my friend. If you were there, you’d likely be ripping him a new one for the 6-foot wide Avengers character poster draped across his bedroom wall.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    To say nothing of the Avengers bedsheets.

    igorr Reply:

    very obnoxious! its gross how it spills from his comments.

    and his best reason for hating on a SUPERHERO movie is because it didn’t have “soul”.

    LOL

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are you really laughing out loud at that or are you exaggerating?

    [Reply]

  37. Viktor says:

    Congratulations, your ploy to increase web traffic on this site appears to have worked. Too bad you’re not very funny. You’re probably going to post some obnoxious response now. Please try to put more effort into it than you usually do.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Obviously you have a crystal ball because you can foretell the future!

    Except about the “more effort” part.

    [Reply]

    Viktor Reply:

    I give your trolling attempt a 4/10. You still have much to learn.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You must be the Russian judge.

  38. Hunter says:

    I enjoyed watching the movie and reading your review on it as well as the ensuing rankled responses from moviegoers. Very mirthful. This was my first time visiting your website.

    One small unrelated comment; you misspelled “spontaneously” on your “about” page.

    “Good stuff” as they say.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Really? Sigh. Thanks!

    [Reply]

  39. Pedro says:

    I agree with your few movie related issues, the less than epic final battle, the bow and arrow, Scarlet, (though to me, she was far better than expected /usual).
    Your real problem is obviously with the genre itself. This renders your review pretty much useless! We are all entitled to an opinion but not our facts! This is a comicbook movie. And in that sense, probalby the best one ever. Sure, it’s difficult to translate that into real world situations and maybe to some Nolan did that with Batman,but it doesn’t mean it’s the only or correct way. This is a fantastic movie, and it has.. fantasy! Go figure. Go see it again!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    NO comparison to the work of Christopher Nolan.

    [Reply]

  40. ScottGL says:

    This review is filled with a bunch of quotes that never happened, and the one that was actually in the film was attributed to the wrong character. Did you just flip through this movie on fast-forward? You didn’t even mention Captain America and Thor in the midst of your personal attacks on half of the cast.

    Joss Whedon did a fabulous job of integrating humanity and personality into a diverse ensemble cast of characters. The effects are stunning, and the pace and humor of the film glues you to the seat. This was a fun film that does EXACTLY what a movie should do – it entertains.

    Hey Mark…. lighten up and try to enjoy yourself in some way other than being bitter and spiteful.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    How I wish I could have flipped through this movie on fast-forward….

    [Reply]

  41. igorr says:

    wow just wow!
    i really dislike people like you Mark!
    not only you suck at your “job” of reviewing movies but you are also not funny at all.
    worse! you are that type of person that even when wrong is so proud to keep replying snarky come-backs with the sole reason of pissing off people who actually understands the movie and its backbones.

    you are a joke man. seriously.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You can’t change what happens, only how you respond to it.

    [Reply]

  42. Mark Ramsey says:

    You are such a joke and you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Was it an implication or was it a statement that these original Avenger heroes are B-level comic book heroes? Captain America with 200+ million comic books sold is a B-level comic book hero to you???

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes.

    [Reply]

  43. Tony M says:

    I liked it, I guess you didn’t, I would try to say something about how I disagree with your review in some sort of cynical way, but hey I’ve only heard of you for five minutes and know your a b-list dick, I mean “critic. But we all have our opinions, I guess I’ll respect yours. Don’t stay up all night trying to make up some stupid comeback please.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ve been up all night, but still I’m dry. Sorry.

    [Reply]

  44. Smack in the Mouth says:

    Despite the fact that this is meant to be a review, it is obviously just a cry for attention. However, despite my personal hatred towards “reviews” like this, I actually enjoy Mark Ramsey’s wit and humor. If he actually tried to review a movie seriously, it would be quite clever and he would definitely put bad movies in their place, and good movies like this one where they are meant to belong. I am not insulting this “review” because I found it worth a laugh and a comment, and I would like to point out how anyone who takes this seriously has problems or a condition. And to you Mr. Ramsey, it doesn’t matter if you reply to this post, but since you most likely will, make something funny. If you don’t, it will stain your record of replying to every previous post before. And that would be worse than watching Clash of the Titans again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The sad part is that as I was replying I was re-watching Clash of the Titans!

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

  45. SEXYMANWITHA6PACK says:

    I think we can all agree that this “Mark Ramsey” person is a jealous little boy C:

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I may deserve the insult but certainly mot the quotes.

    [Reply]

  46. Homestead Fred on Facebook says:

    This guy is so clever. Bet he has written hundreds of successful scripts.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least you know “clever” when you see it.

    [Reply]

    DanielWay Reply:

    Someone’s jealous and bitter.

    The dialogue in the Avengers was a thousand times better than anything you’ve written or ever will write.

    Die in obscurity, loser.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Pretty harsh, coming as it does about a COMIC BOOK MOVIE.

    Look out, the Taliban in Tights is on the warpath.

  47. Homestead Fred says:

    This movie is making history. Think of how many other historical movies you were not around to pan during your lifetime. Oh, but you are getting plenty of attention, though.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right, I have to catch up! East of Eden….sucked! Nosferatu….Not enough dialogue! Jaws…needs more CG!

    [Reply]

  48. Homestead Fred says:

    Please ignore my previous comment. I looked to see the movies that you like and you like and saw “Spider-Man 3″. REALLY? And you have problems with THIS movie? Yeah, you must be compensating for not being breastfed or something.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Great, and I’ll ignore this one, too!

    [Reply]

  49. Brad B. says:

    So did you make a little bet with yourself that you’d reply to every comment no matter how surly or mundane?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sorry, too mundane to warrant a reply.

    [Reply]

  50. James Mann says:

    Is it your job as a film critic to suggest to most everyday people what “THEY” may find entertaining to do with their
    family over the weekend, or is it to show how much more sophisticated
    you are than well “MOST” everybody who seemed to be entertained by the film. Congratulations on being much more intelligent than “EVERYBODY”.. If you are correct, and the movie isn’t worth the attention its getting than perhaps your in the wrong profession
    since the overwhelming majority enjoyed it

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know who “EVERYBODY” is, but I’m glad you consider me much more intelligent than whoever they are.

    [Reply]

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