I liked this movie when they first made it ten years ago, I re-liked it when they remade it eight years ago, and I re-re-liked it when they remade it again in 2007. Now I’m forced to re-re-re-re-like it. Because it’s the kind of “exactly the same but different” that keeps us coming back to Katy Perry hits.
So the bodies from the original trilogy are barely cold (except for the always-chilly Kirsten Dunst), but now it’s time to start over for a new generation of licensing deals, er…fans, and another batch of retail and fast-food tie-ins, er…fans.
It’s as if the original movies never existed, and now only the dollars remain – and most of those have been spent on hookers and breast augmentations.
The Amazing Spider-Man is an origin story, just like first Spider-Man (which was more interested in including superlatives in the movie than in the title).
Enter Peter Parker and the biggest hair this side of Kid ‘n Play.
“Hey, I was just bitten by a spider!” said Peter, after which Lewis & Clark and a procession of wagon trains forged the rugged terrain of that hair to explore potential nesting spots for buffalo, and grizzlies.
Peter’s in high school. “I am not a member of the French Club, but I was elected to head the Unibrow Club,” he said.
Like every high school kid, Peter falls for a beautiful scientist – perhaps the only beautiful scientist with a closet full of cute skirt and boot combinations.
“There’s something about a perceptively coordinated boot and skirt combination that makes my hair stand on end,” said Peter. “And I can blot out the sun when that happens.”
Hey, Campbell Scott is playing Spider-Man’s father, and if Campbell looked any more like his own dad, George C. Scott, he would be training talking dolphins.
Every Spider-Man chapter seems to have a scientist who gets carried away with his work, and in this version that’s Rhys Ifans. Rhys says his goal is to “create a world without weakness through cross-species genetics – and also a world where you can wear white after Labor Day.”
Said Rhys, “That makes me the latest in a long line of Spider-Man villains who will not be getting laid.”
Naturally, Rhys tests his serum on himself with 100% predictably CG-laden results.
Yes a lizard man is on the loose in Manhattan!
No, besides Donald Trump!
“The problem with playing a Lizard Man,” says Ifans, “is that he works for ‘scale.’”
“I’d give you a rimshot, but my drumstick sank into my eyebrow when I was 14 and haven’t seen it since,” said Spider-Man.
“How am I supposed to terrorize Manhattan when I can’t see it over your hair, Spider-Man,” shot back Ifans.
In this version of the saga, Spider-Man uses gadgets on his wrists to shoot his webs. As if the idea that he could organically shoot web spooge out of his wrists somehow stretches credulity past the breaking point…
…in scenes where he battles a giant lizard man.
Said co-star Martin Sheen, “I don’t know if Spider-Man can shoot webs from his wrists but he certainly shoots dollars, and Daddy’s got a variety of protest sit-ins to fund.”
“You like me, Spider-Man, you really like me,” said Sally Field, who plays Aunt May in a United Bridgeworkers t-shirt. “So I did a little construction to make ends meet before Mrs. Doubtfire,” she explained.
Watch for the cameo from C. Thomas Howell, who can add The Amazing Spider-Man to the many non-Soul Man movies where he didn’t wear blackface. “I was ready if they needed it,” said Howell.
The Amazing Spider-Man reminds us of the impending danger of a giant lizard armed with biological weapons.
Shouldn’t GEICO protect us from that?
All in all, The Amazing Spider-Man is a good ride, even if the bloom has been off the rose for ten years.