The Dark Knight Rises

By Mark Ramsey | 2012/07/21

Yes, it’s The Dark Knight Rises, the last chapter in Christopher Nolan’s fabulous Batman franchise, thus paving the way for the series to be remade by some hack in another five years when we’re all ready to see the same but different thing all over again.

Isn’t the Hollywood dream factory grand?

In the future, says the Hollywood Reporter, there will be only three movies:  Batman, Superman, and Spider-man.  With plenty of roman numerals (but only one hyphen) to go around.

Was Batman Begins before or after Batman Forever?  Was Superman Returns before or after Man of Steel? Does any of it even matter or should we simply hide our heads in the sand until Ashton Kutcher tells us what to think in 140-characters or less?

I must say this Dark Knight is the loudest ever!  The residents of Gotham must be hard of hearing.  So what will it be today, two hours with the Dark Knight or a little eavesdropping on a jet engine at full throttle?

We begin with a daring mid-air hijack where our villain, Bane, exhibits a face mask blocking his ability to do what’s most important at any volume:  Speak.

“Mumble mumble mumble mumble ‘liberation’!”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know, but Hannibal Lechter did this routine already, didn’t he?”

Gotham is celebrating Harvey Dent Day – that’s the day Matthew Modine emerges from his career hole, checks to see whether or not he’s in a blockbuster, then races back into his hole.


Anne Hathaway as a jewel thief, which is something they used to have back in the day when they also had bank robbers and hobos.

Anne can take out any foe with her Catwoman war-cry:  “May the Power of Anorexia Compel You!”

Fueled by a diet of oxygen garnished with hydrogen, she slices through bad guys like paper through rock and scissors.  “My greatest arch-enemy is the evil Appetite!” she says.  “How I despise his relentless seductions thrice daily!  O, resolute temptation, with my scarcely-used fork I stab at thee!”

“Fortunately one Tic Tac contains a a day’s-worth of balanced nutrients,” she said.  “Assuming nutrients can balance on the head of a pin.”

“Wilst thou grant me one Tic Tac, O grumbling gut!”

Nevertheless, there’s something about Hathaway that appeals to Bruce Wayne, besides her ability to slide through cracks in doors and her invisibility at certain side-angles.

“I began this series with Katie Holmes,” said Wayne, “and I finish it with Anne Hathaway.  According to Tom Cruise that’s a big step up.”

But trouble calls and Batman reappears.

“Just what I’ve been waiting for,” mumbled the evil Bane, “a hero with awkward body armor and zero peripheral vision.”

“I didn’t understand a word you just mumbled,” said Batman.  “But you look like Anthony Hopkins back when his face-mask kept him from chewing the scenery.”

Bane has coopted a nuclear device and all of Gotham is at risk.  We know this because he says so during a big football game where the Rapid City Raptors face off against the Gotham Goldfish.  But first, a young boy must sing our National Anthem – because kids are always at their cutest when they’re mangling the National Anthem.

“Please, some evil villain put us out of this misery!” screamed tens of thousands of football fans.

On cue, Bane strolls into the stadium:

“Mumble mumble destroy Gotham mumble mumble.”

“Did he just say he will employ Gotham?”

“No, he just said he’ll deploy Mothra.”

“He’ll deploy Mothra?!  Everybody run for the exits!”

It is then we discover that William Devane has been re-elected President of the United States for the 40th movie.  “I’ve done more work as President than the guys who are elected for the job,” said Devane.  “And I was on the call sheet for only one day.”

Somewhere along the way, Batman has his back broken.  But a few weeks in prison, lots of push-ups, and a smoky stage-whisper do wonders for spinal injuries.  So before you know it the Dark Knight is back, protecting Gotham from any trouble not too far to either side.

And so this series does what so few do:  It finishes, and it does so in the most satisfying (if not unpredictable) of ways.

The Dark Knight Rises is a welcome relief from the vastly over-hyped crap that was The Avengers.  It’s a reminder of what a “comic-book” movie really can be in the hands of true artists who put story first.

Or, as Bane would say, “mumble mumble mumble terrific.”


29 Responses to “The Dark Knight Rises”

  1. Raul says:

    I always have liked your reviews, i find them fun to read.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What kind of hate-mail is that??? Thanks Raul.


    Raul Reply:

    And i also think that Avengers, while entertaining, was a little overated.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:


  2. Raul says:

    No hate, i enjoy them, specially the harry potter reviews, i used to laugh a lot with those.


  3. jeff says:

    That was a positive review?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Only if that was a positive comment.


    Jeff Reply:

    It was! Was this your favorite of Nolan’s Batman trilogy?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It has been too long since I have seen the previous chapters for me to say.

    I do, however, like a movie that’s brave enough to have a real ending.

    Jeff Reply:

    I just realized that my last post contained a spoiler. Sorry!

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Fortunately everybody has seen it by now.

    Jeff I see the comment you’re talking about…I won’t post it if that’s okay with you.

    Jeff Reply:

    Feel free to remove the comment we are talking about. Thanks. Loved your review by the way.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Done. Thanks Jeff.

  4. albert says:

    I absolutely loved it. The Dark Knight Rises was spectacular last night, check out some of the past and popular Batman-related movies or TV series. Oh yeah…there’s some Adam West and Tim Burton on this list. See the rundown of great Dark Knight content that you might have forgotten. @19:27


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Feels like a revision3 plant, but I’ll allow it…


  5. Thanks A lot says:

    Hey thanks for the heads up on the SPOILERS!!! duchebag


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The only way you could know if anything written is true or not is because you saw the movie, hence…no spoilers.

    Great spelling, by the way.


  6. Matthew says:

    As a film endeavor, from acting, the score, the grandiose manner in which everything is done, it is great. As the finale of a great trilogy, a faithful re-imagining of a comic book story arc, and a Batman movie, it is underwhelming almost to the point of failure.

    Does the superb acting make up for the poor pacing and execution of an already holey plot? Not entirely. Can we excuse the poor execution of Bane, who is not nearly as iconic as the Joker, but is easily the most challenging physical and tactical adversary Batman has ever faced?

    There was no revolution, no ultimatum. There was only the illusion of class struggle and opportunity for the meek inheriting the earth. It boiled down to good vs. evil, law vs. crime, order vs. chaos and lacked the moral conundrum presented in the first two movies because the bad guys maintained control the entire time.

    The Avengers may not have the Oscar-winning pedigree that the Batman franchise has come to be touted as, but at least it was honest with itself. It paid great respect to the characters as individuals, to the source material and to the fans. The Dark Knight Rises seems to sacrifice the respect to the characters, the source material and the fans to fall in line with Nolan’s praiseworthy filmography to this point.

    A great movie, no question about it. But a great Batman movie? Hardly. It is neither the ending we need, nor the ending we deserve.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That should be on the trailer for The Avengers:

    “At least it was honest with itself.”

    How great would that be? A trailer of half-hearted un-raves….


    Steve C. Reply:

    “A great movie, no question about it.” And yet, I do have a question about it. Suppose, for the sake of argument, suppose this Bat Man endeavor is not a great movie? What if, like most Christopher Nolan output post “Memento”, it borders on an exercise of insufferable ponderousness and juvenile philosophizin’?

    The film needed a Joker to cover up the fact it’s s dumb comic book movie.


  7. Bran says:

    The spinal thing is very true.. The whole movie I wondered where the food came from… and what actually happened is those 5 months (not weeks).. 5 months is a f*cking long time to do nothing in a city then keep driving a nuclear bomb?
    Its a shame by the way, that all the police officers survived, for it would save us a lot of ‘justice’ monologues.


    MJmiller Reply:

    Didn’t alot of the officers die?…


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I thought so too, but it all happened so fast….


  8. Cocoa says:

    So…does this guy write reviews while he’s wasted? Is that his thing?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Why are you talking about me like I’m not even here?

    No, my thing is to puzzle you.


  9. COMICFAN says:

    Hey! I liked THE AVENGERS. I also agree with your review that BATMAN BEGINS “sucks”. My point? I’m glad the Nlan franchise is over. Hopefully. In fact, I didn’t even bother to see the last 2 Batman movies. I miss the good old days when Batman villains were not reducd to looking like Jason in FRIDAY THE 13th pt. 2 or THE CROW. No scythe for Scaecrow? No electrocuting joy-buzzers for Joker? And apparently, no whip for Catwoman? Sheesh. Yes I admit, I enjoyed Schumacher’s movies, they my have been flamboyant, but at least they had action, and coherent plots, and not dialogue that would make Mr. Freeze’s ice puns feel like a breath of fresh air. “Why do we fall? So we calearn to pick ourselves back up .” Apparntly, it’s “Why do we fall?So our butlers can come pick us up. And Morgan Freeman can hook me up with James Bond-esqe gadgets.”


  10. youngnan says:

    Shame on you. I’m shaking my head now in sad regret, you Nolan worshiper. Bad talking Avengers/Tony Stark? The only decent comic book movie in existence? How dare you? All your opinions have now become insignificant. I don’t even know who you are. It’s like the last hour I spent on this site was all a lie. A sick lie where you made me love you. You charmed me with your jokes and wittiness, and then you spit caustic venom/acid into my eyes? Shame and ignominy upon you.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think that’s called a love/hate email, but I’ll take it!


  11. Junaid Ahmed says:

    awesome movie !!


Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”