We have a broken family and an old wooden box with cryptic symbols on it. The little girl in the family is captivated by this crappy old box.
“I thought it came with a free PlayStation,” she explained. “And I was hoping to hang Barbie clothes in it, until I realized that the box wanted me to hang Barbie, Ken, Skipper and their whole clan by the neck from the second floor window.”
“Fortunately my new Lindsay Lohan Barbie is built to sustain this kind of punishment and emerge with countless hours of TMZ attention.”
Hey, Kyra Sedgwick is in this movie, meaning it’s two degrees of Kevin Bacon and even fewer degrees of terrible.
Mom is Kyra to Dad’s Jeffrey Dean Morgan, an actor as enjoyable as he is forgettable. Dad is a basketball coach who trains his team with an invisible basketball. Coincidentally, in my theater this movie played to an invisible audience or at least one that wished it could be.
Dad’s little girl Emily becomes possessed by the box. We know this because she eats her pancakes really fast. Then again, she is growing up a woman in Hollywood, meaning that eating a complete meal and demonic possession are pretty much the same thing.
The box cracks open by itself and whispers her name “Emily…..”
“What does it want,” dad asks.
“It wants to go to the UPS Store and party with its packing material friends,” says Emily.
Just then, a baby started to cry in the theater, and I honestly can’t blame it.
I have a saying: If you look down your throat and see two fingers in there and they’re not yours, then it’s time to see a specialist – ideally someone who knows how to win a tonsil tug-of-war.
“Look, Emily’s room is full of moths!” says dad.
“I wish as many butts were in the theater seats as we have moths in this room,” says mom.
“You may be The Closer,” says dad, “but you’re definitely not the Role-Picker,” says dad.
Come to find out those inscriptions on the box are Hebrew, and that box was built to house an evil spirit. “We wanted to make sure the spirit was banished to something that could not possibly be opened, so we put it in a box…er…oh well,” said Rabbi Hyman Dickman.
“But if it gets out, you can always command it back into its box by its name. Because evil spirits are like Harrison Ford at the Costco in Jackson, Wyoming. They don’t want to be recognized.”
“But how do we know its name?” asks dad.
“Assume it’s Trump” advises the wise Rabbi.
As Emily gradually descends down the evil rabbit hole, Kyra makes a confession: “I was actually scared.”
Well, that makes one of us, Kyra. I can’t hear the screams in the theater over all the yawns.
Let’s take Emily in for an MRI! Because an MRI is a wonder of modern technology – it can see anything! Including a face staring back at us from inside her.
“He has your eyes,” dad tells mom.
All of this builds – if you can call it that – to the inevitable exorcism. Fortunately, there’s now an app for that.
Listen, if a hand reaches from inside your mouth and grabs your nose there’d better be an app for that, too. Because while you may need an exorcist, you most definitely don’t need an extra hand.
The Possession wasn’t more boring than watching paint dry, but just in case, I advise you to bring your own paint.