Taken 2

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By Mark Ramsey | 2012/10/07

Hey fellow moviegoers, I’ve been Taken 2, what about you?

Wouldn’t a better title for the sequel to Taken 1 be “Taken 1 time too many”?

Liam and his wife are no longer a pair, but times are tough in her huge house with big iron gates, what with her new husband canceling their graduation trip to China.  Oh, cruel world!  Let’s instead surprise the ex-husband in Istanbul, which at least contains the root word “bull.”

You would think after their last experience, Liam Neeson’s unfortunate family wouldn’t travel past the end of their driveway, let alone to Istanbul, which is Turkey – just like this movie.

There they encounter every Members Only jacket-wearing dirtbag Eastern Europe ever produced.

“Listen carefully,” Liam advises his daughter, when he isn’t advising her to “stay calm” or “breathe slowly.”  Liam spends more screen time asking his daughter to pay attention than in giving the audience reasons to do the same.

His daughter has to drive them to safety even though she has yet to pass her driver’s test – at age 30!  Give the girl a break, she just brought home her first boyfriend – at age 30!  What’s the point of an eating disorder if you have to wait 30 years to enjoy its benefits?!

She’s barely out of her bikini when she has to run across a series of rooftops setting off grenades.  Exploding rooftops?  Just another day in Istanbul, a city in serious need of a paint job, by the way.

Did you know that Liam Neeson is rumored to have the biggest schvantz in Hollywood?  With star salaries no longer being what they were, you need bragging rights wherever you can find them.

You know that schvantz is big because his voice is deep like thunder.  I thought there was en earthquake until I realized it was just Liam Neeson’s shvantz trying to escape through his pant leg and order an Iced Cinnamon Dolce Latte off the menu at Starbucks by using its one good eye.

When Liam wants to kill the bad guys he just wraps his schvantz around their necks and strangles them to death.  Fortunately, it’s only a matter of time until Liam Neeson’s schvantz rids the world of any remaining Members Only jackets by propelling them like a slingshot across the horizon.

Look out! that schvantz is tossing dirtbags around the same way it shoos flies off Liam’s back!

I only wish Liam’s schvantz could get the taste of Taken 2 out of my mouth.

Then again, I’ll just settle for a good brushing.

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2 Responses to “Taken 2”

  1. Lucas Schippers says:

    On my first day back at work, this made me laugh out loud, probably irritating my coworkers. Thanks!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m all about irritating coworkers. You’re welcome!

    [Reply]

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