I’m pretty sure one of those 3 D’s stands for “dumb,” because both of the others certainly do.
“Do not go to Silent Hill,” our hero is warned.
Now you tell me.
We open on a nightmare wrapped in a nightmare wrapped in my nightmare. And it’s all downhill from there.
We have two actors – two – from the excellent HBO show Game of Thrones here, but this time their performances are chain-mailed in.
“I don’t want to say I did this just for the money,” said Sean Bean, “but I certainly don’t want to say I did it for any better reason. I lost my head in Game of Thrones – in this movie I only lost my soul and any ability to distinguish right from wrong.”
Radha Mitchell visits Sean in a mirror cameo.
“Do I look fat in this mirror?” Radha asked.
“I wouldn’t know,” quipped Sean. “This movie isn’t reflecting well on anybody.”
Hey, isn’t that Michelle Williams in the lead role? How did she lose ten years? That’s not me asking, it’s Nicole Kidman asking. And believe me, she needs to know now!
This movie has more dumb mythology delivered in the most dramatically flaccid fashion of any movie I have seen this year, and that’s saying a lot. Especially about flaccid fashions. I know it’s based on a video game, but why does the audience always have to lose?
Yes, the mythology is so dense the 3D specs should come with a complimentary shovel:
One guy is “a child of the order of Valtiel.” He’s supposed to take Michelle-ish to Silent Hill, and I hope there’s a Nordstrom in Silent Hill because that hoody/jacket combo has to go back to the Walking Dead extra it came from.
Kill the dialogue, let’s just trumpet mythology:
“You must come back of your own free will….You must destroy Alessa, but you are part of Alessa and she can’t be destroyed unless she is whole again. So take this amulet of symbols and join it with its other half and you shall have the ability to generate beaucoup FX.”
“Alessa’s power grew beyond all comprehension,” says her mother in a cliché-mad frenzy. “Part of her soul has been placed into an innocent child. You are that child. That is the part of her that feels love. The darkness is coming! Now I’m just pulling mythological tangents out of my ass, saying anything that comes to mind in the hope it survives final cut! I’m being paid by the word, Michelle-ish, did I mention that?”
“It’s safer to be inside!” she warns. “Ideally inside a place where you cannot watch Silent Hill: Revelation in 3 or any lesser number of D’s.”
“Wait, what is that amulet of symbols you have there? Why, it’s the Seal of Metatron and it is your only hope to end this movie in short order!” said Alessa’s crazy mom. “It is also fantastic product placement for the next Transformers movie, which is looking like Gone with the Wind right about now.”
Ma’am, this is Silent Hill. Won’t you please shut up?!
And don’t blink or you’ll miss the completely over-the-top cameo of Malcolm McDowell, once famous for A Clockwork Orange and now responsible for keeping my eyes on the closest clockwork – tick, tick, tick – all movie long. There’s no role that Malcolm won’t take, even if it’s you and me who are getting rolled.
Maybe if you drop this movie on Mars you can find a life form that appreciates it, but only because you found one that eats film.
Time for some vaguely S&M-style creature fights (including one creature with the longest blade in the world and, as a result, a most unlikely center of gravity). I’ll just sit here and check my TXT messages.
Never in the history of movies has there been a pile of smelly compost bigger and more pungent than Silent Hill: Revelation 3D. Except maybe for any movie that stars talking dogs.
This dog is better off silent.