The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

11
By Mark Ramsey | 2012/11/18

My Barbie collection isn’t big enough to watch this movie.  What is this, The CW – the Movie?

Here I am in a theater with a thousand tweenage girls and two completely embarrassed guys who evidently took a wrong turn at their dignity.

Twi-hards, schmi-hards.  Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 didn’t twi hard enough.  This so-called saga has twied and twied again, even splitting its final chapter into two rather than twee.

So Bella’s name now belongs to a vampire – in addition to every dog in the world.  See what happens when you fall for the wrong guy, girls? You live happily ever after in sparkly time-frozen splendor.  Or you end up jobless and alone with a baby and an MTV reality series.  One or the other.

Welcome, Bella, to the pasty-faced and pouty!  As a vampire newbie, her senses are awakened and she needs to hunt, ideally in a skintight dress with perfect makeup and hair.  What’s she hunting for, a hostess gig at Olive Garden?

Here’s another clueless outing for Bella’s dad, Billy Burke, who I really liked as Glinda the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz.

And baby Renesmee is growing fast!  At least I think that’s a real baby – in most scenes it looks more like a CG baby ad for E*Trade.

“Renesmee says this is a great time to buy Amazon shares,” says Edward.  ”She also wants us to buy a time-share in Miami.”

That leads to one boring blank-expression exchange after another – each as empty as Bella’s closet is stocked full.  It’s all punctuated with the occasional PG-worthy love scene.  There was a point I thought I saw some pubic hair but it turned out to be Robert Pattinson’s eyebrow.

“Pubic hair, please,” said Bella.  ”Vampires would sooner grow a third arm, and even that would have its hair cosmetically removed.”

Wow, the opening act is slow.  It feels like several twilights before this movie gets going, and by “gets going” I mean “features scenes of characters running and fighting in the forest.”

But first, everybody gather in our perfectly luxurious glass house to look dour while we play our Steinway Piano and speculate what it’s like to hold down a job.

Look, all the Cullen friends and relatives have a variety of really lame magical powers – like X-Men vampires.  One can radiate electricity all over her body, so at least there’s electricity somewhere in this film. Another appears to be a magician, because when you’re battling the Volturi it helps to be able to make the Statue of Liberty disappear. Another relative hails from the Amazon – she has power over your mind and can make you see things that aren’t there.  How about a different movie, Amazonian?

One of the bad guy Volturi can make smoke billow out of his fingers which any smoker can also do, albeit in a much more entertaining fashion.

Ah yes, the Volturi, who come dressed for battle like they’re being photographed for a Dutch Masters cigar box.

Pity poor Taylor Lautner whose job seems to now be the occasionally shirtless third wheel.  I don’t know how many movies call for an occasionally shirtless third wheel, but Taylor has a lock on every single one!

Worst and most hilariously of all, however, are the Russian vampires with fake accents so bad even this audience was laughing at them.

Finally, it’s time for the climactic battle, preceded by about thirty minutes of our heroes and villains facing each other off with glum expressions and some really big dogs.

Here’s a little known fact:  I had the opportunity to interview a couple of the B-tier stars of this movie – stars who, by the way, were on screen for less time than my interview.  I’d share that conversation with you, but I was thrown out and asked never to allow it to see the twilight of day.  Gosh, I don’t know what the fuss was about!  Here are some of the actual questions I asked the stars in a one-on-one sit-down:

  • Why do the Vampires in the Twilight series look like they work in a hair salon?
  • Are you disappointed that there weren’t enough chapters in the Twilight saga for the producers to introduce Jar Jar Binks?
  • Do the werewolves get to wear shirts in this Twilight, or do I have to look at their man-teats?
  • Did you ever look at Kristen Stewart and say to yourself, if I could just get her to slip on a banana peel….(one of the stars had to explain that question to the other)
  • Have you ever narrowly escaped getting arrested?
  • Have you ever given the finger to another driver?
  • Have you ever passed gas in a crowded room and pretended it wasn’t you?
  • Have you ever punched a man and knocked him out cold?
  • Have you ever had so much alcohol that you didn’t remember what movie you were in?

Okay, so the interview was a little awkward, but you’re dying to see it, aren’t you?

Point made.

It’s just as well my Q&A got the kibosh.  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is crummy.

A mediocre finale to a soggy saga.

11

11 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2”

  1. Suhaib says:

    I spilled my coffee and coughed all over my screen now! Where can I see that interview, dying to read/hear their responses.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sadly, I have been asked very kindly not to show the video or the answers online, in print, on TV or in any technology currently existing or yet to be created. But I do have the video! Honestly, the answers aren’t as good as the expressions.

    [Reply]

  2. Stephanie says:

    How I wish you were able to get answers to those interview questions. I’m much more interested in those questions than anything ever aired on E! or The Insider or any of those other shows

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Just try to explain that to the publicist who’s waving her arms madly to stop the questions in their tracks.

    I also wrote a script for the Q&A with roles for both of the actresses. One said “I’m not doing this” and dropped the script faster than her head rolled off her shoulders in the movie.

    [Reply]

    Stephanie Reply:

    I can only imagine how horrified the publicist was. That had to be absolutely priceless!

    [Reply]

  3. Hi there, just changed into alert to your weblog via Google, and located that it’s really informative. I’m going to watch out for brussels. I will appreciate in the event you continue this in future. A lot of people can be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thank you for that very kind piece of spam!

    [Reply]

  4. Alona says:

    “That leads to one boring blank-expression exchange after another – each as empty as Bella’s closet is stocked full. ”

    Just one of the many that got me laughing mad! LOL. I am a movie blogger , and I read many movie blogs and reviews religiously, but this is gotta be one of the best I have ever read, and will remember for a long time!!

    Thanks for the laughs, and the inspiration!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey thanks Delia! I appreciate that so much!

    Keep on plugging away! :-)

    [Reply]

  5. Sean says:

    Hey Mark,
    I am a huge fan of your reviews. So I hate to criticize, but did you write “Public” hair when you meant to write “Pubic” hair?

    I can’t tell if it was done intentionally as a joke or accidentally.

    If done intentionally then LOL!

    If done accidentally, then hopefully you can fix it and we can all pretend it didn’t happen.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    OUCH! Thank you Sean!!!!!!! Damn spell-check! Yes, I’ll blame the spell-check. I’ll fix.

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”