Here I am in a theater with a thousand tweenage girls and two completely embarrassed guys who evidently took a wrong turn at their dignity.
Twi-hards, schmi-hards. Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 didn’t twi hard enough. This so-called saga has twied and twied again, even splitting its final chapter into two rather than twee.
So Bella’s name now belongs to a vampire – in addition to every dog in the world. See what happens when you fall for the wrong guy, girls? You live happily ever after in sparkly time-frozen splendor. Or you end up jobless and alone with a baby and an MTV reality series. One or the other.
Welcome, Bella, to the pasty-faced and pouty! As a vampire newbie, her senses are awakened and she needs to hunt, ideally in a skintight dress with perfect makeup and hair. What’s she hunting for, a hostess gig at Olive Garden?
Here’s another clueless outing for Bella’s dad, Billy Burke, who I really liked as Glinda the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz.
And baby Renesmee is growing fast! At least I think that’s a real baby – in most scenes it looks more like a CG baby ad for E*Trade.
“Renesmee says this is a great time to buy Amazon shares,” says Edward. “She also wants us to buy a time-share in Miami.”
That leads to one boring blank-expression exchange after another – each as empty as Bella’s closet is stocked full. It’s all punctuated with the occasional PG-worthy love scene. There was a point I thought I saw some pubic hair but it turned out to be Robert Pattinson’s eyebrow.
“Pubic hair, please,” said Bella. “Vampires would sooner grow a third arm, and even that would have its hair cosmetically removed.”
Wow, the opening act is slow. It feels like several twilights before this movie gets going, and by “gets going” I mean “features scenes of characters running and fighting in the forest.”
But first, everybody gather in our perfectly luxurious glass house to look dour while we play our Steinway Piano and speculate what it’s like to hold down a job.
Look, all the Cullen friends and relatives have a variety of really lame magical powers – like X-Men vampires. One can radiate electricity all over her body, so at least there’s electricity somewhere in this film. Another appears to be a magician, because when you’re battling the Volturi it helps to be able to make the Statue of Liberty disappear. Another relative hails from the Amazon – she has power over your mind and can make you see things that aren’t there. How about a different movie, Amazonian?
One of the bad guy Volturi can make smoke billow out of his fingers which any smoker can also do, albeit in a much more entertaining fashion.
Ah yes, the Volturi, who come dressed for battle like they’re being photographed for a Dutch Masters cigar box.
Pity poor Taylor Lautner whose job seems to now be the occasionally shirtless third wheel. I don’t know how many movies call for an occasionally shirtless third wheel, but Taylor has a lock on every single one!
Worst and most hilariously of all, however, are the Russian vampires with fake accents so bad even this audience was laughing at them.
Finally, it’s time for the climactic battle, preceded by about thirty minutes of our heroes and villains facing each other off with glum expressions and some really big dogs.
Here’s a little known fact: I had the opportunity to interview a couple of the B-tier stars of this movie – stars who, by the way, were on screen for less time than my interview. I’d share that conversation with you, but I was thrown out and asked never to allow it to see the twilight of day. Gosh, I don’t know what the fuss was about! Here are some of the actual questions I asked the stars in a one-on-one sit-down:
- Why do the Vampires in the Twilight series look like they work in a hair salon?
- Are you disappointed that there weren’t enough chapters in the Twilight saga for the producers to introduce Jar Jar Binks?
- Do the werewolves get to wear shirts in this Twilight, or do I have to look at their man-teats?
- Did you ever look at Kristen Stewart and say to yourself, if I could just get her to slip on a banana peel….(one of the stars had to explain that question to the other)
- Have you ever narrowly escaped getting arrested?
- Have you ever given the finger to another driver?
- Have you ever passed gas in a crowded room and pretended it wasn’t you?
- Have you ever punched a man and knocked him out cold?
- Have you ever had so much alcohol that you didn’t remember what movie you were in?
Okay, so the interview was a little awkward, but you’re dying to see it, aren’t you?
It’s just as well my Q&A got the kibosh. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is crummy.
A mediocre finale to a soggy saga.