Les Miserables

By Mark Ramsey | 2012/12/24

Judging from the title I expected Les Miserables to be in French – so imagine my delight when I realized that this was the corner of Paris where every peasant in Britain lives!  Chez blimey!

We open on Hugh Jackman – Wolverine sans blades; or as they say in this Paris, “wh’ ‘appened to ‘is blades, Gov’nor?!”

Cut to Russell Crowe, as played by Ricky Gervais.  And Russell does the one thing the world has least been waiting for:  He sings.

I guess you could call it that, anyway.  Perhaps “bellows to a tune” would be more apt.  Too many bars with Russell Crowe will have you wishing you were in more bars with Russell Crowe.

If only Russell could throw a note with the same precision he can throw a phone across a hotel lobby.

There he goes, bloating through the entire movie as if he drunk-dialed the wrong flick – proving that Gladiator would not have been better with a chorus line.

I don’t think it’s a spoiler to note that Russell’s character can be heard cracking in two near the climax of the film, and it’s about time.  Finally, he strikes the right chord.

I know Russell had a band and all, but what may work in a club doesn’t necessarily work on a rooftop in Paris, although I’d be happy to take a club to him on any rooftop where you find him.

And who knew that the whole purpose of a Parisian roof was to stage concerts?!  I thought they were to keep the stink in!

The French are fighting for freedom, and freedom is as close as a well-rehearsed chorus.  Witness this conversation between the denizens of Paris:

“Should we fear that chorus of freedom fighters atop that barricade?”

“Are they dancing, too?”

“No, just singing.”

“Then yes, we should fear them.”

I’m all for any movie with a character named “Whore #3.”  As in, “I used to work the front desk at the Mondrian LA, but now I’m ‘Whore #3′ in Les Miz.

Cut to Anne Hathaway, as played by Justin Bieber, who shows that your organs may fail and your complexion dim as you approach your last breath, but your pitch remains perfect to the grave.

Let’s face it, there has never been a war that hasn’t been improved by being set to music.  Right now, in fact, thousands of Syrians are practicing their scales.

Here comes Helena Bonham Carter, chewing up scenery and spitting it out in the way that she does so well.  And alongside her is Borat – no, really!  Because if there’s anything the finely-tuned British singing throngs of Paris need it’s the songbird of Kazakhstan.

The occasional quirky casting decision aside, Les Miserables is surely one of the best musicals I’ve ever seen and easily one of the best movies of the year.


7 Responses to “Les Miserables”

  1. naoma says:

    I eagerly await this film. I liked the review. I’ve seen this musical all over the world — in very small theaters and in a huge theater in Ireland.
    Music is great and the story is also excellent.


  2. Pleiades says:

    Wow this is a really awful, unfunny review. You get paid for this crap? Amazing…


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If I have amazed you then I have achieved my goal.


    Stephanie Reply:

    I really enjoy your haters’ comments. This review cracked me up. I hope you do get paid for this crap!!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least we can all agree it’s crap! Thanks Stephanie!

  3. Sean says:

    Was the intro about the language supposed to be funny?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Only as funny as your question.


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