Zero Dark Thirty

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By Mark Ramsey | 2013/01/02

Guest author, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

Hi, I am Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran and number one fan of Gossip Girl on the CW. And when I’m not cooking up plutonium in my basement, I’m reviewing movies!

Today: Zero Dark Thirty!

And this movie is DARK all right – almost completely dark. Half the time it’s dark enough to be a RADIO play.

Yes, this movie is about the killing of bin Laden. But mostly it’s about one CIA lady getting angry at all the CIA men. It’s like a Lifetime movie – with Navy Seals.

Here’s what I learned: If I’m searching for a man the way to find him is to post photos of dozens of guys with beards on a wall and hope that the head of the CIA is someone like Tony Soprano.

That Osama bin Laden was an idiot. Here’s the fundamental difference between me and that idiot Osama….when the Seals come up the stairs and whisper my name, I’m not going to stick my head in the doorway to see who it is!

Seriously! When a helicopter crashes on your front yard and gunfire and screaming erupt throughout your house and you see green rifle laser beams all over the place and hear boots marching up your stairs, that guy who whispers “Osama, Osama” – It’s not because you need to sign for a UPS package!

Here’s what you do when you hear “Osama, Osama”:

  • “Uh, I’m not home right now” 
  • “Please surprise attack me during regular business hours” 
  • “I’m not dressed, and I’m in the middle of a History Channel special on the Apocalypse” 
  • “I’ve got a headache” 
  • “Why don’t you guys get something to eat in the kitchen; I’ll be right down.”

That idiot Osama.

But the best part is that some of the Seals technology was developed at Area 51. And with assistance from Aliens, I’ll bet!

I learned some new words from Zero Dark Thirty: “Trade Craft.” In Iran, that’s the term we use for scrapbooking.

At least I got to hear the Seals say “fire in the hole.” Is that a real expression? In my house that’s what we say whenever my wife orders in Mexican food. “Fire in the hole!”

I give Zero Dark Thirty 3 hypothetical nukes.

And don’t whisper for me up the stairs!

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6 Responses to “Zero Dark Thirty”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Who knew Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was so snarky?!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    His wives call him “Snarky McSnarkopus.”

    [Reply]

  2. jamesy boy says:

    this movie is gonna be total garbage

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Definitely not that.

    [Reply]

  3. PissAndVinegar says:

    “Here’s the fundamental difference between me and that idiot Osama….when the Seals come up the stairs and whisper my name, I’m not going to stick my head in the doorway to see who it is!”

    That’s why it’s a movie and not real life. You think you have any idea of what actually happened in that house because you watched a movie made to make money by entertaining the audience? Really, how idiotic an you be?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Not idiotic enough to stick my head out a doorway when some stranger who just shot up my house whispers my name!

    [Reply]

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