Texas Chainsaw 3D

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By Mark Ramsey | 2013/01/06

You know it’s a bad sign when the Lions Gate gears in the opening credits jam.

It’s called Texas Chainsaw 3D now – no “Massacre” – unless you’re talking about the impact to your everlasting soul.

Ah, 3D.  If I want to see objects flying at my head I’ll open a day care. What are the odds that at least one of the D’s will be “dumb” and none will be “delightful”?  Why bother with 3D in a movie where the girls’ bellies are perfectly flat and open-to-the-public for the entire 90 minute run time?

Hey look, it’s Hip Hop artist Trey Songz using a horror flick to launch his acting career – because this strategy worked so well for L.L. Cool J!

Trey Songz is no match for Leatherface, unfortunately, despite his finely tuned singing and dancing skills.  “It’s hopeless,” says Trey, “Leatherface is a Taylor Swift fan!”

This Chainsaw presumably picks up where the original left off and in the process pretends that every previous sequel and remake didn’t exist, which is exactly what we’d all like to pretend.

“What, even the one starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey?” asked actor Bill Moseley, whose face is to every low budget horror film what Kim Kardashian’s ass is to TMZ.

“Yes, Bill, especially that one.”

Cue beautiful young restaurant hostesses and valet parking attendants, er, actresses and actors.

“Are my tiny little shorts tiny and little enough?” asks chainsaw fodder Tania Raymonde.

“What tiny little shorts?”

“Check!” says Tania.

“Let’s all take our bare bellies to Texas!  Maybe we can have someone mesquite barbecue our own ribs – the ones we haven’t had surgically removed, I mean” said star Alexandra Daddario, who’s best known for saying “yes” to the role in exchange for a pack of smokes and the promise of a convenient place to induce vomiting.

Alexandra is the heir to the family of crazies that populated what was supposed to be the originalish Texas Chainsaw, and she was graced with the most attractive genes, not to mention the most attractive jeans.

“My pants are hugging my hips – much like my sordid family history,” says Alexandra.  “I’m plaugued by a chainsaw-wielding cousin and poor eye-shadow application skills!”

“My belly tee senses danger” says Tania. “Fortunately the tattooed wings below my navel mean my private parts can fly out of here on a moment’s notice!”

Alexandra is distraught!  “Did you see the cute smudge of blood on my face?  I traded my last bra for it before I entered Texas!”

Alexandra comes face-to-face with her foe, but can she describe him?  “He was wearing a human face,” she explains.  Unlike anyone else in this cast.

So then it’s time to read the newspaper clippings along with Alexandra as she slowly – and I mean slowly – discovers her own family history. Can’t we all just read about this movie in old clippings instead of watching the darn thing?

Texas Chainsaw 3D is Deliriously Deadly and Dumb.  With or without the glasses.

 

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2 Responses to “Texas Chainsaw 3D”

  1. Stephanie says:

    This is so surprising – the trailers made it look smart, witty and completely original.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I know. Who would have guessed it?

    [Reply]

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