“I have a cool t-shirt for every mood, and they’re all black,” says Jessica Chastain, who puts the “dark” in “Zero Dark” and the 35 in “Thirty.”
Hey, there’s some guy named Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who goes by “Skip” in the U.S. and is desperately trying to keep his foreign accent locked in a cabin to be raised by wolves and nurtured by spirits. He plays brothers who are either twins or conveniently similar-looking and infinitely economical from a cost standpoint.
Daddy has flipped out and taken his girls to the middle of nowhere to do them all in.
“Daddy, there’s a woman outside – she’s not touching the floor.”
“Depending on the woman, sweetie, she can touch whatever she wants. Just alert me if she has wild hair, absurdly long fingers, and an expressionless CG face,” says daddy.
Too late! Daddy has been carried away to the depths of Hell or wherever actors who can’t get arrested outside of Game of Thrones go. And the daughters are left to crawl around like animals or people trying to sneak out of an Adam Sandler movie.
They must survive on a diet of cherries.
“Do these cherries come in a Happy Meal?” asked little Lilly. “Ideally I’d prefer my cherries with cherries on top.”
Cue the twin brother who spends five years looking for the kids, all the while tolerating the attitude and the tat-titude of Jessica Chastain who has never seen a shade of black that wouldn’t look great over her eyes and in her closet.
“They’ve found the girls,” says Uncle Nikolaj!
“Terrific!” says Jessica. “I have a MISFITS t-shirt that would go great with this moment.”
Uncle Nikolaj can adopt the girls, but only if he moves them and Jessica into a big new house for free. Hmm. No, that’s asking too much! You mean, you want me to adopt the girls AND move into a big new house for free? No way, Jose!
But Nikolaj has his hands full, and not just with English as a second language. The wall turns black, moths fly out, and tentacles emerge to throw him down the stairs and into a hospital bed where he will stay for most of the rest of this movie.
“Here’s my prescription,” says Jessica. “Take two cool t-shirts and call me in the morning.”
As Jessica gradually decides the girls are lovely examples of childhood in full bloom rather than cootie-carrying carpet vermin, the ghostly CG manifestation called “Mama” gets jealous. And Hell hath no fury like a CG manifestation scorned!
“This movie really needs a psychiatrist character who gets offed when he gets too close to the truth,” says Jessica.
“Check!” says Mama.
“Climax on a cliff?” asks Jessica.
“Dark room lit only by camera flashes?”
“Check! Like all CG manifestations I’m one step ahead of you and storyboarded up to three years in advance.”
“My app says there’s a t-shirt for that,” says Jessica.
When you see a pile of hair crawling along the ground, it’s either a tumble-wig or it’s Mama, about to emerge from below like Hell’s own elevator just arrived from the garage.
“Is that a CG manifestation of Helena Bonham Carter?” asks Jessica.
“No,” says Nikolaj, “because that would REALLY be scary.”
Mama should stay in the closet with Jessica’s vintage Nirvana tee from 1991.