Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

By Mark Ramsey | 2013/01/29

So Hansel and Gretel are now witch hunters?

What’s next, The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe – with Shoulder-Fired Rocket Launchers?

Snow White and the Seven Jihadis?

The Three Little Ninja Pigs?

Goldilocks and the Three Improvised Explosive Devices?

Come to think of it, I’d like to see all four of those movies. Much more than Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, which not only hunted witches but also laid siege to my will to live.

Produced by funnymen Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, anything funny evidently had to be checked at the studio door along with anything worth watching.  It’s from MTV films, which leads to the obvious question: Where are all the Teen Moms?!  WHERE ARE THE TEEN MOMS?!

Jeremy Renner pouts his way through this movie as if it’s a favor to his agent who needs a new Porsche by hook or by crook, and Jeremy was the one on the hook. “After Hurt Locker, there’s only one direction a career can go, and that’s the direction of a co-starring role with talking dogs,” says Renner, who was reviewing a pile of dog-centric scripts at the time.

“My name is Gretel, this is my brother Hansel,” says Gemma Arterton, who is taking all of this much more seriously than Renner.  And I would too if I was best known for the big budget stinker Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. “It was either this or play a teen mom on MTV,” explains Arterton. Indeed, this is the greatest thing Gemma has been in since Sliced Bread: The Movie.

“Grab the rapid-fire crossbow and your pained expression, Hansel, and let’s go kill some witches!”

“I had envisioned Johnny Depp’s career, and instead I’m living Richard Grieco’s,” says Renner, as years of CG wireframed his expression into a momentary smile.

I’d say Renner was sleepwalking through this movie, but that would imply he was actually walking.

Holy God in Heaven this is a horrible movie!  Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters makes the Twilight saga look like Downton Abbey!

And the producers made the peculiar decision to add enough F-words and nudity for an R-rating, which most assuredly stands for “Rotten.” Such mind-numbing, spirit-sapping, crushing badness usually requires a Rob Schneider cameo.

Famke Janssen is the head witch – Famke is the B-movie Nicole Kidman, when Nicole Kidman isn’t the B-movie Nicole Kidman. Her witch face is cracked and white as if she’s mid-facial or what people in Hollywood terrifyingly refer to as “old.”

Hey, I saw Famke at an awards ceremony recently, and she looked less like she was ready to ride a broom and more like she was ready to ride George Clooney.

She gets to deliver unforgettable and un-memorizable dialogue like “the end is near, witch-hunter!”  Would that it were true, Famke!

So witches steal the town’s children to fatten them up on sweets.  Hey kids, aren’t your parents doing a perfectly fine job of that already?

As the climax approaches the witches gather in what appears to be a tribute to rocker Alice Cooper.  But no, it’s time to be slaughtered by Hansel & Gretel, and let’s make it fast because Planet of the Talking Dogs, starring Jeremy Renner starts shooting at the end of the week!

By all means go see Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.  Just make sure to stop by the concession stand for a complimentary cyanide tablet first.



8 Responses to “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Nothing is complimentary at the concession stand!!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Does cyanide count as mercy killing?


    Stephanie Reply:

    I think in this instance it does. My brother saw this piece of unentertaining trash; he said the ONLY thing good about it was that it was short.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Not nearly short enough.

  2. Corey Schwartz says:

    Ha! There may not be a Three Ninja Pigs movie yet, but there is a book!



    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sigh…no original ideas left!


  3. Mlondon says:

    LMAO! that was so bloody funny – tribute to rocker Alice Cooper. Mark u cheer up my day!!! loves!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey thanks!


Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”