“What about calling it What’s Sherlock Holmes doing with that lighting fixture in his chest?” asked a Marvel exec.
“Nah, that would suggest that Robert Downey’s characterization of Tony Stark and Sherlock Holmes are identical, and that’s a secret we need to keep to ourselves and everyone else but Robert and his agent.”
And so was born Iron Man 3, featuring the further exploits of the only superhero who is not dishwasher-safe.
Iron Man 3 has three times the one-liners of the original. It’s a Comedy Central special of cinematic proportions. If CG stands for Comedy-G, then Iron Man 3 is exhibit A! If Tony Stark ever gets tired of saving the Earth, there’s a Vegas lounge with his name on it.
Did you know Iron Man 3 is the only place you’ll find Gwyneth Paltrow outside a Miramax retrospective? Well it is! And there’s Gwyneth! Boasting an impossibly flat bare belly which, if weaponized, could easily command all box office receipts of the 1990′s! Look out, Winona Ryder, you’re in the bullseye!
We begin by blowing up Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood.
What? This must have killed dozens of famous cement hand- and footprints! The stars on the walk of fame have been reduced to the rubble on the walk of fame, which describes most of their careers perfectly – I’m talking to YOU, Gary Busey and Tom Sizemore!
It’s Iron Man against a terrorist called “The Mandarin.”
The Mandarin? I thought that was a little tiny orange. And here it turned out to be a great big cheese!
The Mandarin’s broadcasts have the power to replace your regular scheduled TV programming! Just like a high speed chase on the San Diego freeway!
Who is this Terrorist? How will we find him? Well, personally, I would start with Ben Kingsley’s IMDB profile.
Hollywood has to be so careful nowadays to cast terrorists who won’t offend lucrative foreign movie markets. That’s why Ben Kingsley is the terrorist, because who’s he gonna offend? Other than the cast of Bloodrayne, the ambiguously British, or anyone who looks like F. Murray Abraham?
Meanwhile, Iron Man meets an old nemesis, a dude who projects a 3D image of his own brain and then starts walking around in it. If you’re like most of this audience, you can do that and never bump into ANYTHING!
So we’ve gotten to the point in this franchise where you don’t put on the Iron Man suit, its bits and pieces just fly to wherever you are and auto-assemble around your body like its a stripper around a pole.
So Iron Man flies off to get the bad guy, but first, it’s off to Tennessee, where Tony Stark befriends a bullied kid…..
NO, I’m not kidding! What is this, Iron Dr. Phil?
Hey, The President’s hanging from a thread on an oil drilling platform, but let’s make sure the Tennessee kid can go to the bathroom by himself!
By the end we have established that Iron Man’s journey to self-discovery has ended. Which is Hollywood-speak for “Here comes Iron Man 4!”
All in all, Iron Man 3 is a good time. Just make sure you’re ready to heckle the Tony Stark Comedy Hour.
He’s here all week!