“I’ve raised my six-pack from a tiny four-pack,” said Brad. “Now I’m just happy for a role that doesn’t require me or a variety of international female co-stars to shave.”
Something has infected the entire world, and only Brad Pitt can save it!
Help, Earth’s survival requires a sexy smile and a way with complicated women!
It’s a bad scene. One bite and you lose your mind in several seconds, something MTV’s Teen Mom could only accomplish only after several seasons.
You’re dead! But it’s not all bad news. Your skin, tissues, bones and body parts degrade such that you stand like a hideous, broken down beast, but a beast with the agility and speed of an African gazelle!
“I didn’t know dead things could run so fast,” said Brad, “although that explains why Val Kilmer’s career is always a runner-up in the LA Marathon.”
Chaos breaks out! But on the positive side, kids are finally more active and less likely to eat too much sugar.
“I’m scared,” says one of Brad’s kids.
“Now you know how daddy feels when mommy travels to orphanages in East Africa,” says Brad.
Words and dialogue are rapidly replaced by growling and shrieking because, coincidentally, growling and shrieking are more appealing than English in international movie markets. “Believe me, if we could remake Terms of Endearment with zombies, we would,” said a Paramount spokesperson, growling and shrieking on condition of anonymity.
Brad’s job is to track down the source of the infection, because only then can he divine a cure, assuming that the sheer existence of dreamily rugged good looks is not cure enough.
Fortunately, Brad knows how to pilot a plane, and he flies off to Israel – the only safe city because it’s surrounded by walls. Then again, so was Jurassic Park, so you can see how this one ends up.
“These zombies give all new meaning to the term ‘Wailing Wall,’” said Brad to a bevy of international female background actors who were busy feeding him grapes and fanning him with leafy branches.
“I can only assume that Clooney has already turned,” noted one incredulous bystander.
So Brad escapes from this fix via an international flight on Belarus Airlines.
Why does Belarus need an airline? To transport donkeys and wood carts from one place to another? So mail order brides can have jobs as flight attendants?
Time to take off! Everybody stick your feet through the holes in the floor and run! Yabba-dabba-doo!
But you can’t escape zombies on a plane – they’re the ones reading the Skymall catalogues.
We’re going down, we’re going down!
One thing leads to another and Brad gets a scratch in the crash.
Well okay, he also gets a piece of the plane stuck through his side, but in Belarus they call that a “souvenir.”
Fortunately, the plane crashes just outside the office of the World Health Organization, where the sign on the door reads “Doing Great Work – Right Up Until Recently.”
There, Brad must solve the infectious puzzle while trying to be very quiet, since the zombies are attracted to noise, just like Justin Bieber fans.
With a finale that is about as eye-rollingly absurd as anything in any Summer movie, World War Z is better than a kick in the head.
Especially if the Lone Ranger’s horse is doing the kicking.