World War Z

97
By Mark Ramsey | 2013/07/06

When I say “loving middle-aged dad” and “scientist,” who doesn’t think of Brad Pitt?

“I’ve raised my six-pack from a tiny four-pack,” said Brad. ”Now I’m just happy for a role that doesn’t require me or a variety of international female co-stars to shave.”

Something has infected the entire world, and only Brad Pitt can save it!

Help, Earth’s survival requires a sexy smile and a way with complicated women!

It’s a bad scene. One bite and you lose your mind in several seconds, something MTV’s Teen Mom could only accomplish only after several seasons.

You’re dead! But it’s not all bad news. Your skin, tissues, bones and body parts degrade such that you stand like a hideous, broken down beast, but a beast with the agility and speed of an African gazelle!

“I didn’t know dead things could run so fast,” said Brad, “although that explains why Val Kilmer’s career is always a runner-up in the LA Marathon.”

Chaos breaks out! But on the positive side, kids are finally more active and less likely to eat too much sugar.

“I’m scared,” says one of Brad’s kids.

“Now you know how daddy feels when mommy travels to orphanages in East Africa,” says Brad.

Words and dialogue are rapidly replaced by growling and shrieking because, coincidentally, growling and shrieking are more appealing than English in international movie markets. “Believe me, if we could remake Terms of Endearment with zombies, we would,” said a Paramount spokesperson, growling and shrieking on condition of anonymity.

Brad’s job is to track down the source of the infection, because only then can he divine a cure, assuming that the sheer existence of dreamily rugged good looks is not cure enough.

Fortunately, Brad knows how to pilot a plane, and he flies off to Israel – the only safe city because it’s surrounded by walls. Then again, so was Jurassic Park, so you can see how this one ends up.

“These zombies give all new meaning to the term ‘Wailing Wall,’” said Brad to a bevy of international female background actors who were busy feeding him grapes and fanning him with leafy branches.

“I can only assume that Clooney has already turned,” noted one incredulous bystander.

So Brad escapes from this fix via an international flight on Belarus Airlines.

Belarus Airlines?

Why does Belarus need an airline? To transport donkeys and wood carts from one place to another? So mail order brides can have jobs as flight attendants?

Time to take off! Everybody stick your feet through the holes in the floor and run! Yabba-dabba-doo!

But you can’t escape zombies on a plane – they’re the ones reading the Skymall catalogues.

We’re going down, we’re going down!

One thing leads to another and Brad gets a scratch in the crash.

Well okay, he also gets a piece of the plane stuck through his side, but in Belarus they call that a “souvenir.”

Fortunately, the plane crashes just outside the office of the World Health Organization, where the sign on the door reads “Doing Great Work – Right Up Until Recently.”

There, Brad must solve the infectious puzzle while trying to be very quiet, since the zombies are attracted to noise, just like Justin Bieber fans.

With a finale that is about as eye-rollingly absurd as anything in any Summer movie, World War Z is better than a kick in the head.

Especially if the Lone Ranger’s horse is doing the kicking.

97

97 Responses to “World War Z”

  1. Man from Belarus says:

    WOW! Could you possibly be more insulting you ignorant moron! Do a simple Google search about a nation before you so blatantly share your moronic western bias with the world. Idiots like you are the reason America, and people’s opinion of her, are in decline. Congratulations on announcing your stupidity to the world you ignorant jerk!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think I could possibly be more insulting, to answer your question, and I will endeavor to try. In fact, I did do a simple Google search and the number one search result was “What is a Belarus?” And the number two response was something about the pajamas worn by the female lead in Twilight.

    I do, however, appreciate your congratulations. And if you are truly a resident of Belarus you have a lot to congratulate me on.

    [Reply]

    Jelena Reply:

    Extreme ignorance combined with blatant egocentrism, you don’t do any credit to your nation. In Belarus they had silverware and crystal glasses in their homes, and universities and hospitals in their cities, when your continent was not even discovered! And I am not Belarus, this is primary school knowledge.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh no! My nation was counting on me to give it credit! Whatever shall America do now!

  2. John Deas says:

    Your critic is as insulting to intelligence as the very movie you try to outsmart. You could be more insulting ? Well, that might be because you can not do much more beside that.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The only way to do more than be more insulting is to be the MOST insulting. And that, at least, is something to aspire to.

    [Reply]

    John Deas Reply:

    Yeah, more insulting, louder, etc … Like some kind of Michael Bay of the critic, right ? Your comment on Belarus is crass, not particularly funny, and the subsequent comments do not get better anyway. I did not know you, and came here because of the Rottentomatoes excerpt, which is centered on the aforementioned remark. Now if this is part of your routine, there is not much discussion to have, is there ?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I like that: I’m “The Michael Bay of Critics.” I need to get a t-shirt made that says that.

  3. Gena Davis says:

    I have been to Belarus 3 times, and you’ll be surprised with the great service “Belavia” their actual national airline has. They fly to almost every country in Europe and also some Middle East countries. Population is about 10 million. You would be amazed with such a beautiful city as Minsk.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I know what you mean! But is it true the airline asks the passengers to flap their arms before takeoff?

    [Reply]

    Clem Reply:

    You’re an idiot who thinks that he’s smarter than everybody else. You review is full of ignorant stereotypes and actually spoils parts of the movie. Fail.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh no, I don’t think I’m smarter than everybody else. Just smarter than you. Fail.

  4. The Point... says:

    This one’s trying way too hard to be clever, like one of those college hipsters that everyone ignores.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You mean the college hipsters that dominate the world of comedy in everything from SNL to the Daily Show? Oh, you’re so right!

    [Reply]

    Jason G Reply:

    Don’t flatter yourself. Keep your futile dreams for yourself to avoid further embarrassment.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That sounds like two lines from an Ed Wood movie.

    Phillip Reply:

    “This one’s trying way too hard to be clever, like one of those college hipsters that everyone ignores.”

    Ooops looks like he failed at that attempt , but succeeded at being one of those college hipsters that……..no one ignores? including you “the point”

    Keep’em coming Mark.

    My favorite is when other people try sounding smart and step in it.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If one talks smartly long enough, one invariably steps in it. Thanks for the note.

    [Reply]

  5. Jason G says:

    Yes, I see – if you cannot manage to be insightful and witty, you can always resort to being boorish, ignorant and insulting to get a bit of attention on the internet. Pathetic.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And evidently it’s working!

    [Reply]

  6. anne says:

    Ok… you have been a bigot. You have been identified as one. What to do??? Hmmm you APOLOGIZE.. STOP BING A MISOGYNIST XENOPHOBIC ASSHOLE

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This is the first time I have been confronted with a criticism using a word starting with “X.” Cool! That’s gotta be a short list.

    [Reply]

  7. Mike says:

    Cool racism bro. Interesting style at least – equal parts corny / unfunny / racist.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least you know cool and interesting when you see it.

    [Reply]

    Mike Reply:

    Lame

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re telling me.

  8. June says:

    Belarus means White Russia. The etymology of its name is still being debated. These lands were called ‘white’ as unaffected by Mongol invasion, or Lithuanian kings, hence, ‘white’ meant free, independent. Second version – ‘white’ meaning Christian as opposed to ‘Black Russia’ still being pagan at the time. Third version – ‘white’ meaning great and ancient (Karamzin); Fourth – the name derives from colour analogy to the sides of the world, i.e. Black Rus’ (northern), Scarlet Rus’ (southern), and White Rus (western). Fifth – during the Tsarist regime, the people of Belarus made clothes out of white linen (flax). Sixth – because of the three crowns – Red, White, and of All-Russia.

    The main use of the term ‘White Russian’ refers to the people that fought against the Bolsheviks (Reds) 1917 – 1923. It was called the White Movement and the members were called White Russians or White Army or White Guard and the main area of opposition to the Bolsheviks was Belarus and the Ukraine.

    It is okay to make mistakes. We all learn something in the process. That’s what life is for, innit? Maybe you were destined to write this review. You will become a great historian one day, or a geographer? Why not indeed? It’s a fascinating world out there.

    Greetings from Kazakhstan. (It’s a sunny country in Central Asia where apple trees bloom all year round)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And a country no movie would ever make fun of!

    Thanks for the note.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    The main use of the term ‘White Russian’, at least in the western world, refers to that tasty cocktail we drink while fantasizing about Ivanka Trump. Skol!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ivaaaannnnkaaaaa….

    [Reply]

  9. Nomi says:

    You can always start talking about “Belarus airlines”, if you don’t know what to say about the movie. Great job!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, I can! And thanks!

    [Reply]

  10. Frequent Flyer says:

    Belavia can’t be worse than United or American. And don’t even get me started about US Airways :)

    Give me a Middle Eastern airline any day!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know, I’d rather lose my luggage in Toledo than in Timbuktu.

    Besides, at least when I fly in the US my arms don’t get tired.

    [Reply]

  11. Matt says:

    Mark, I thought your review was a very witty, toung in cheek poke at Brad Pitt and the movie. I was entertained more from your review and everyone’s criticism of it, than the movie itself. Congrats!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And I did it all at a much lower budget and while wasting much less of your time, imagine that!

    [Reply]

  12. Stephanie says:

    Wow – lots of hate again! Who knew the fans of Belarussian airlines were so sensitive? I didn’t know you could be racist when making a joke about an airline.

    And “Michael Bay of film critics” – that’s an awesome line. That can be in your bio. Good work as always!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Airlines are very sensitive. Ask the makers of Disney’s PLANES!

    [Reply]

  13. Old Faithful says:

    What’s with all the haters today? It seems presumptuous to post flames without poking around to get a feel for what the site is about. Reading the review is enjoyable, but these noobs are bringing me down.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And usually that’s MY job!

    [Reply]

  14. Chris says:

    Honestly, I just don’t get where there was a real review. I get that you hate Brad Pitt and his stardom, and while I admit he was a central focus of the movie, he also did a respectable job carrying it. There were also several inaccuracies in your review, basically bending facts to better suit your ranting tangent you went off on. In this whole review I saw perhaps 5% of anything actually examining the movie, as opposed to a load of snarky comments about Brad Pitt.

    While I have no problems with being critical of a movie, this review was needlessly jokey and kind of pointless. If your aim as a writer is to be seen as irrelevant and pointless, I guess you hit the mark. By the way, for all the “Comedy Roast of Brad Pitt” here, someone should keep in mind that this movie probably wouldn’t have happened without his pull, or his star power. I appreciate humor in a review. But there has to be a real review. As a regular reader of these things online, I am supremely disappointed.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ve got to get in there and scrub out that 5% – stat!

    As for your supreme disappointment, all I can say is “you’re welcome”!

    [Reply]

  15. Alex C says:

    I have actually met a mailorder bride on a Belavia flight before. Haven’t seen any donkeys though :/

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The donkeys are in the back. The mail order brides are all in First.

    [Reply]

  16. nathanielfisch says:

    Such a good review.. Thanks Mark!
    Oh… All of you America bashers can eat a turd sandwich.

    [Reply]

  17. Niall says:

    You really should try and travel a bit more. Take the next flight available on Belarus Airways. Anywhere beyond your small cocooned existence will help.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey, my cocoon gets Netflix. Can Belarus Airways say that?

    [Reply]

  18. Wow says:

    Wow. You are a wanker. I’m very intelligent. You are not. Thanks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Actually I’m a Californian, but thanks for the guess.

    [Reply]

  19. elhombre of Dubai says:

    Great review! You have saved me a camel ride to the local cinema.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Your camel would prefer to watch Netflix anyway.

    [Reply]

  20. random visitor says:

    Your review was kind of one-sided but i love the comments section X-D
    Seriously: are you getting paid for trolling people on the internet? Dude, you’re a genius!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    One-sided? That’s the nicest compliment I have ever gotten! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  21. Graham says:

    Excellent review, even better comments sections. Outstanding, the world is now an even better place than before, keep up the good work.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, the review is the tax you pay for the comments. Sigh….

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

    1deuce1 Reply:

    Agreed. This is probably the best comments section I’ve read. I’m thinking Mark wins the pro frisbee tournament – every year. ;)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Probably more hacky sack.

    [Reply]

  22. Maria says:

    Belarus Airlines?!!! REALLY?! Google it, inbred dumbfuck, you are so dumb that comparing you to the dumbest Belarussian, the latter is the Einstein

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It sounds like you know the dumbest Belarussian all too well.

    [Reply]

  23. mlondon says:

    I didn’t know dead things could run so fast,” said Brad, “although that explains why Val Kilmer’s career is always a runner-up in the LA Marathon.” – LMAO!!! Anyone who doesn’t get that type of humor is the type that thinks Adam Sandler movies are funny. Another razor sharp review from my favorite movie site! I have been reading this site for years & like Southpark it stays just as well written & sharp. Love u Mark your fabulous darling!! xo

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Either your disdain for me is so dry I can’t appreciate it, or this is an actual fan note! If it’s the latter, thanks!

    [Reply]

  24. AO Scott says:

    Mark is what you are left with once all the “Top Critics” leave Rottentomatoes.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This “top critic” is still here….Or at least you can consider me an “on-top critic.”

    [Reply]

  25. Adam says:

    You racist shit!

    As so many have pointed out, you are an uninformed fool, and if you had completed a simple search using the google skills of a five year old, you would have learnt that Belavia is the Airline of Belarus.

    It’s dicks like you who sit pompously behind the term critic (and believe me, you are no compliment to the profession) and sprout rubbish that they think makes them clever. Your stereotyping is precisely the foundation of prejudice and racism, holy crap, a country like Belarus can’t possibly be anything like where you are from can it?

    You. Cock.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Your mother.

    [Reply]

  26. Adam says:

    Ah! Californian, I understand now your racism, you lot have nothing to export but cops who beat up black people and lies to young girls so they end up as porn stars, right?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You had me at “stars.”

    [Reply]

  27. Bob. says:

    Haha Best review of that totally overrated piece of shit movie and actor??!. I wish I would have paid you 10 bucks to read your reviews and all those nice comments instead of wasting it in the cinemas.

    Also don´t get fooled by those false testimonies, I flew with Belarus Airlines once and not only were there a bunch of critters on the flight, some donkeys were actually flying the plane!!!

    A donkey, a donkey. Belarus for a donkey!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    But are the donkeys able to welcome you to your destination without checking their cheat sheet to remember what the heck their destination is? That always worries me.

    That, and the fact that lights are out and seats are broken, but don’t worry, the rest of the plane is fine!

    [Reply]

  28. Ranien sonnet says:

    i must admit, as unisightful as your review was, this comment section held my attention for a longer period than world war z

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Let’s see, insight or attention, which would I rather have? :-)

    [Reply]

  29. Yankee says:

    i can make a bet that Mark Ramsey is fat, pimpo-face ignorant who gets no pussy at all and make such stupid comments!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh my goodness, you have just described the audience for World War Z!

    Oh, and “pimpo-face ignorant” is in the new fall mens’ line at Nordstrom.

    [Reply]

  30. Human says:

    I genuinely hope this critic dies in a fire.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Anything to avoid smelling your breath.

    [Reply]

  31. Michael says:

    Thanks for the great review, you made my day.

    I actually googled for Belarus Airlines to get a glimpse of those gorgeous maidens to no avail; it’s a pity the real zombies are those who criticize your great lines.

    Keep it up!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Did you look for the hooves? :-)

    Thanks Michael!

    [Reply]

  32. Joseph says:

    Troll

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Your powers of observation are remarkable. And at least you have powers.

    [Reply]

  33. Moe Badderman says:

    # “Belarus Airlines?”
    That’s right, Ugly American: Belarus Airlines.
    Swallow your Pitt-envy and learn to Belarus.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Can I check my pedaling shoes or will I need them for takeoff?

    [Reply]

  34. James Tayberry says:

    Mark: just stumbled across your review, and I am mighty impressed. The inspired comments and your controlled yet effective responses are…uh…y’know…really good… (‘Awesome’ sounds hollow, somehow)

    Being what I would like to think of as a wise-ass of near your caliber, I say kudos. Keep it up, no matter what xenophobic misogynist Belorussians say. “Belarussians say?” Ah, who cares, eh? Firefox says “Belo-”, but Mozilla is credibly-rumored to be centered somewhere above the Arctic circle – my brother’s cousin says so too, and he’s only nine. Plus, their country contains the word “Russia” – ’nuff said.

    Sidebar: as a former professional (food/restaurant) critic, I must admit that the first time I was called a ‘misogynist’ (face-to-face, not that pussy internet crap), I needed to rush to look up the definition and was secretly thrilled to find that the caller was off-base in the general sense but accurate in the example she chose. Like, she didn’t understand sarcasm or something, right?

    No-duh,

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, context is everything, isn’t it?

    Thanks for the kind comment!

    [Reply]

  35. Brian says:

    Your ignorant statement about Belarus that somehow made it onto Rotten Tomatoes is your greatest accomplishment. Your “show” looks like the Wayne’s World crew produced it. You do have a future if Mr. Bean ever needs a stand-in…you’re a dead ringer for Rowan Atkinson dude! Keep up plugging along- your 15 minutes is about up.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think my comment made it onto Rotten Tomatoes because I posted it there. It turns out that’s how stuff gets onto Rotten Tomatoes and the rest of the Internet. I know, surprising! But true!

    [Reply]

  36. Peter says:

    This review is the most disgustingly insulting piece of garbage I’ve read in some time. I was redirected to it through rottentomatoes.com where I read the excerpt and simply couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Just fascinating in a very bad way.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well it just goes to show you, believe what you see on Rotten Tomatoes.

    [Reply]

  37. peckel says:

    I like belarus, even with donkeys better than f**king burger king country

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yeah, well guess where Burger King country gets our donkey meat from?

    [Reply]

  38. David says:

    I don’t know what’s funnier, your reviews or your brilliant jests upon those without a sense of humor. And that Yabba Dabba Doo line is pure gold! I wish the movie was more like your review. Then maybe my girlfriend and I could’ve enjoyed it’s predictability.

    Thanks for the laughs Mark! Even two years later you’re still making me laugh!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey thanks David!!
    The hate mail is my best kept secret!

    [Reply]

  39. Drew Bedson says:

    “Fortunately, Brad knows how to pilot a plane,”

    Actually we don’t know if he does or does not as he does not pilot any plane in the movie.

    “So Brad escapes from this fix via an international flight on Belarus Airlines.

    Belarus Airlines?

    Why does Belarus need an airline? To transport donkeys and wood carts from one place to another? So mail order brides can have jobs as flight attendants?

    Time to take off! Everybody stick your feet through the holes in the floor and run! Yabba-dabba-doo!

    But you can’t escape zombies on a plane – they’re the ones reading the Skymall catalogues.

    We’re going down, we’re going down!”

    This was about five minutes or three percent of the movie yet a third of the review.

    “There, Brad must solve the infectious puzzle while trying to be very quiet, since the zombies are attracted to noise, just like Justin Bieber fans.

    With a finale that is about as eye-rollingly absurd as anything in any Summer movie, World War Z is better than a kick in the head.

    Especially if the Lone Ranger’s horse is doing the kicking.”

    I take it you didn’t like the film but still don’t know why as you don’t tell us much about it and prefer to talk about other things like the Lone Ranger and Justin Bieber.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you are depending on me as your source for information about movies, may I introduce you to my friend, the Internet.

    [Reply]

  40. Jakemex says:

    Your review is insightful, informed, thoughtful and empathetic …..eh, not! Congratulations if you make a living from this, if you do, it just shows that this world will swallow some amount of shite. Now I wait with bated breath for your oh so witty retort…………………….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Keep waiting. breath “bater”

    [Reply]

  41. Gerald says:

    Like many central nervous systems with eyes I found myself reading the Rotten Toms review of WWZ and ended up here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading people vent spleen at you, they always bite. Keep up the insults, good show.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Why thank you, oh wise one!

    [Reply]

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