Pacific Rim

88
By Mark Ramsey | 2013/07/16

Even Guillermo del Toro gets the occasional Rim job. But does he have to share it with the rest of the audience?

It seems that alien life is entering Earth through a crack between tectonic plates deep in the Pacific. Or was it the crack between the plates in the heads of the folks giving Pacific Rim an A- Cinemascore rating despite being unable to spell “A-”?

Maybe it was through the crack in my ass, because this movie stinks.

Alien monsters battling giant robots! What imagination! Mashing up the giant monster genre with the giant robot genre! Add some LEGOs and the Six Million Dollar Man and you have perfectly captured my childhood toy drawer!

So the world goes about building walls around every coast to keep out the monsters. Boom! The monster goes through the wall on the first try. Nice planning, world! This is the same world that gave us “Gangnam Style,” isn’t it?

The giant robots are operated by two pilots who lock minds in a neural bridge, which I appreciate since at least something neural is happening in this movie. The pilots must synchronize their movements like a dance where one pilot massages the Pacific Rim of the other. And they use giant pedals to move the robot’s feet because pedals are inherently more reliable than computers – just ask the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

All that mime makes their giant robot, the “Jaeger” work. And a couple of shots of Jägermeister don’t hurt either, especially in those delicate explorations of each others’ Pacific Rim.

There’s a rule in Hollywood that every giant robot must look like a Transformer and gesticulate like Pop Amazon Jessie J because, as every engineer knows, nothing’s more stable than an oversized behemoth on a couple of lumbering mechanical legs. That’s why cars are built with legs rather than wheels, after all!

Come on now, Hollywood Imagineers. Are giant man-like robots really the best way to kill monsters? Is literally punching a monster in the nose really the best we can do?

“Forget the Nukes! Just build a giant slab of metal that can throw a good right hook! And can we get it with Pandora built into the dashboard?”

Hey who are these actors? And why are they less famous than the stars of Sharknado?

Oops, I spoke too soon. There’s Ron Perlman, the Steven Seagal of summer blockbusters, whose introduction brings virtually the only laugh in this movie, despite the fact that the rest of it is so very laughable.

These giant monsters are so big they evidently need two brains because one brain just isn’t enough – ironically also true of the audience and the filmmakers.

Look out! One monster spits acid! Yikes, these monsters are adapting! Today it spits acid, tomorrow it will spit one-liners on Joan Rivers’ Fashion Police on E! Monsters everywhere! Some in black leather and chiffon!

As I watched Pacific Rim I could literally feel myself shedding IQ points the way Kate Hudson sheds a big lunch in the bathroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Yes, this movie is making me even dumber, hard as that may be to do.

Sure, you can check your brain at the door, but for Pacific Rim do you have to check both of them?

88

88 Responses to “Pacific Rim”

  1. Walter says:

    This review makes absolutely no sense. Your celebrity references are unfunny and only detract from any sense you were trying to make. Quit your day job…..please?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I wish this movie had a few more celebrity references. It would be a more worthwhile thing to watch than giant robots vs. giant reptiles. Somebody needs to quit their day job, all right, but it’s not me!

    [Reply]

    steve Reply:

    I agree, your writing makes no sense whatsoever and your attempts at humor are an embarrassment. Please just stop.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Now that two people on the Internet agree on something, obviously I should call it quits.

    Jeremy Reply:

    You make bulimia jokes about actresses, and yet you criticize the intellect of this movie? This film actually understands its roots and history, while you apparently only get sleaze and superficiality.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    When I go to this movie, that’s certainly what I get.

    Kadgi Reply:

    If you want to work with TLC, why don’t you just go ahead with it and stop trying to convince us you actually enjoy cinema? Fourth person on the internet that begs you to quit, how many more will it take?

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right! Giant robots battling extreme monsters from the deep! Cinema at its finest! Why quit when there’s even a hint of a sequel?

  2. JimHarbor says:

    This is my first time here , so I assume this is your review gimmick?

    It’s a bit… Family Guy isnt it? I mean I know the Nostalgia Critic uses that shtick but this seems a bit tactless.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    God only knows tact serves us well when contemplating the mise-en-scène of the epic struggle between giant robots and monsters.

    [Reply]

  3. Anonymous says:

    You know instead of wasting your time writing this article you could have just admitted that you don’t like fun.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Isn’t it more of a time-waste to comment on a presumably time-wasting article, Mr. Fun-lover?

    [Reply]

    Anonymous Reply:

    Considering both that comment and this one took 30 seconds to type out, no.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Braggart.

  4. Neotoy says:

    Geez that Walter guy is a dick. Maybe not your strongest piece but certainly not _that_ bad.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    How to damn with faint praise…

    [Reply]

  5. Timmy says:

    this movie is dumb, there’s no pop culture jokes, no actors I’ve heard of, and the “jokes” where really confusing :c. I watched Grown ups 2 and it wasssss sooooooooo much better beacuase there’s adam sandler in it andthe joke were sooooooo funneh! XD! I liked the one where the deer pissed in his face! Adam sandler is so great that i would marry him if homosexual marrgie did’nt make god angry. If they made adam sandlwer, Brad pitt or jhonney depp the starr, pacshitic dumb would be soooooo mcg better. Also your reveiw was funny! Bye!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m still trying to catch my breath from that.

    [Reply]

  6. Katy Penguin says:

    Your so right. Pacific Rim was dumb poopy crap. Even Andm Sandler makes much greater movies (He;s a better director than Guielermo DelToro). Movies should be serious for serioys people like you and me. I like all the jokes about actors and stuff were you made fun of them using comparison., its clever. The movie its robots and stuff are for little kids who like Transformers (sooooooo dumb!!!). Us adults watch stuff by Christopher Nolan because he makes serious movies for people who want to watch serious stuff for adults, and we sniff at the other stupid people.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Right you are, Katy!

    Except about the Adam Sandler part, but I’ll pretend I never read that!

    [Reply]

    Wow Reply:

    You are literally too stupid to understand when people are making fun of you. That’s impressive.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It’s a gift. And impressive, indeed.

  7. Mrs. Ramsey says:

    Now Marky! I know your dad and I couldn’t afford to buy you Godzilla toys when you were a kid, but please don’t take it out on these nice people! Just admit you liked the movie, and come home. I made your favorite, grilled cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off! Just like you like them! Love you Bubby!

    Oh P.S. let me know if you need help making a poopy again honey.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Now Mon, you know I never liked grilled cheese sandwiches and certainly never without crust. Hey, I could be wrong but I don’t think you are actually my mom! Come to think of it, what if my mom isn’t actually my mom?! Now you have placed me in the midst of an existential crisis – all for the sake of a dumb robot/monster movie.

    [Reply]

  8. Andre Ballon says:

    Snore…going on about how the robots shouldn’t look like man-robots, it’s a hollywood film for Pete’s sake it’s not marketed as a documentary into how we would actually defend the Earth from Kaiju, haha.

    Yeah, using nukes would really make for a fun film to watch, great. If you’d directed this film it would just be a load of nerds sat at computers firing ground-to-air missiles into sock puppets.

    “That’s why cars are built with legs and not wheels, lmao rolf lolz rolf lolz!!!!!!!!”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You just dashed my child-like belief in giant man-bots.

    [Reply]

  9. Themisfit says:

    I’ve been travelling the Internet seeking for the few people left who SEE WHAT I SEE and FEEL WHAT I FEEL. Mark, this is just the tip of the Iceberg of Kaiju shit that movie represents to me. I loved Guillermo del Toro, but I reckon he betray all of us. Thank you.
    ¡Vive la Résistance!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You got it!

    BTW I’m a big del Toro fan, too. But definitely not here and now.

    [Reply]

    Stollz Reply:

    I’m reading all these comments defending this movie and for a second I thought that maybe its time that some shit from the depths come out and annihilate us, because, quite frankly – this is one of the dumbest movies of all time, and I literally left the cinema stupider…

    A really nice review Mark… glad to see someone has a positive number of IQ points.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right – at least as dumb as that legendary dumb movie Godzilla.

    Although maybe that means it will be remade in a few years.

    Thanks for the note!

    [Reply]

  10. wow says:

    Not only is this site some sort of odd ripoff of Rotten Tomatoes, your reviews are cluttered with poor attempts at humor and no actual substance

    Also why do you feel the need to reply to every single comment you get? Jesus christ.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re in luck. I don’t feel the need to reply to yours.

    [Reply]

    Jeru Reply:

    And yet, you replied… please just stop dude, forget about this awful review , stop replying, and try to write better ones in the future

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, I replied! Imagine that!

  11. Orion says:

    I was going to post a “witty retort”, but then I remembered that you probably have no semblance of recognition to either component.

    I cannot comprehend what you’re trying to say and while I do accept that critics have reasons for disliking movies, which I can definitely accept, your review reads more like an Mystery Science Theatre 3000 script than a proper technical evaluation of the pros and cons of the movie.

    You’re not a character-focused critic: you don’t criticize the acting capabilities of the cast; you are not a setting-focused critique because you don’t mention anything at all about the robots or the monsters in this movie without providing a breakdown for your dislike; you’re definitely not a story-focused critic because I don’t hear you listing and elaborating the elements of your disliking the plot.

    This review is incomplete and resembles a lesser kudzu plant in the threads it leaves hanging. There’s no list-by-list; there’s no argument at all. The only thing probably close to comprehension in this incomplete critique is that you “don’t like this movie because it is about Giant Monsters vs. Giant Robots”. Is there something about this particular genre that offends you?

    Anyway, my conclusion in reviewing this review is that it is incomplete, inconclusive and has weak basis of argument for the point you are trying to drive home. It reads off more like a piece just looking for attention rather than substance, which it should have.

    Remember; you’re one of the people looked to when we’re referred to movies. You have to give us a better reason not to see or buy a ticket to a movie because if THIS review is, in your opinion, your most “thorough”, I say that you have a long, long way to go before your empty vessel is heard in the docks.

    I wish you a pleasant day and actually hope for more substance in the future. This review read like that term paper you left aside for two months and rushed to complete nine hours before the time it was due.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    9 hours? Why would I start a term paper that long before it was due!

    [Reply]

    Orion Reply:

    I don’t know what the criteria is for a critic nowadays, but there are standards people expect when they see a review: negative OR positive. If you had given a more elaborate and descriptive body of text instead of a heckler’s hate note maybe then it would have been worth consideration, but honestly?

    You’re a terrible critic. Your argument has no substance or a leg to stand on. The basis for your dislike is based on quick glances and a stubborn demeanor. If THIS is the standard that moviejuice reviewers and the like aspire to, you guys simply don’t have the analytical capacity to break down components of ANY film, good or bad.

    It might not mean much to you, but I’ll tell who I know to steer clear away from the incompetence of this site’s reviews and the arrogant attitude of its critics.

    You’ve got a lot of growing up to do, child.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This is the last time I approve a post from the ghost of Pauline Kael. Really, the last time.

  12. M.S. says:

    Mark, you are a really awful writer. Reading your one-liners and garbage similes from your profile on rotten tomatoes is so cringe-inducing I had to stop.

    Full disclosure, I have never seen Pacific Rim and you are fully entitled to your opinions, but I urge you to seek employment in another field.

    And your defensive replies to commenters…for the love of god just sit down and stop embarassing yourself.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m fascinated by your email address – markramseycantwrite@gmail.com – because I was so sure I had that one locked up!

    Maybe I was confusing it with Jackasseswhopostcommentsonreviewsformoviestheyhaventseen@gmail.com.

    [Reply]

  13. Boeing1 says:

    I have never trusted any reviews of movies. I have to see it for myself and make my own decision. Some movies they say stink I may end up really enjoying and visa versa. This review is very childish in my opinion however and just because this individual hates it doesn’t mean everyone will and I would not trust him to represent the average movie going population. Everyone differs on what makes a movie great. Some like mushy romance while others enjoy science fiction with many special effects. The need for movie critics is a waste due to individual tastes and there is no way any one person can represent the mainstream movie goer.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think you’re making a much larger point about critics here, but I can’t be sure because your comments seem to have been written by a 7-year-old.

    [Reply]

  14. Anonymous says:

    This review is terrible.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Everybody’s a critic.

    Hey, everybody really IS a critic!

    [Reply]

  15. Jo says:

    I’d say that as far as visuals go, Pacific Rim is excellent, the setting, the camera movement (no shaky cams) is good. The premise/story is also good, about monsters from another dimension attacking humans, and we built giant robots to punch them in the face <–it's kinda cool. But, I think to fit the story of Pacific Rim into only 2 hours is hard. Also, the characters in this movie are flat, I didn't really care for any of them. Lastly, for a movie that's supposed to capture on film of a global struggle against giant monsters, it felt kinda local, narrow (only in Hong Kong, and only four Jaegers total, I thought there should be at least a Japanese Jaeger somewhere, since the director said this movie is an homage to kaiju culture, which after all, originated in Japan). Lastly, I don't get it, why the U.S. Jaeger is the only one that have a plasma cannon.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The absence of a shaky cam is what constitutes high praise in this movie – On that much we agree!

    [Reply]

    sampson3121 Reply:

    my nine year old and i enjoyed the film 3/5 stars

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I usually take my cues from 9-year-olds, but not in this case.

  16. Looks Awful says:

    Not sure why everyone is so uptight here…it is just a movie review.

    Anyways I have not seen the movie, but having read the plot and watching the trailers, it looks like another Hollywood action movie with gimmicky lines and a typical plot, a movie just designed to take people’s money while dumbing them down, so your review is believable when you said you got dumber. I liked the Gangnam Style reference.

    I guess movies like this have wide appeal because most people live in a fantasy land and don’t want to think about their current reality, like a movie like Dirty Wars would force them to do.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’d comment but I’m busy brushing my unicorn.

    [Reply]

  17. oh_so_smart says:

    Of course, detonating a nuke every week would be a really smart idea, with the added benefit of enriching the sea with long-lived radioactive elements which are so good for your health.
    Building robots with wheels is even smarter. In fact, cars, which do have wheels, can go everywhere, walking over huge obstacles. Do you know? It was proposed, once, to build structures all over the land, on which cars could move smoothly. They had been dubbed “roads”. Of course that proposal was laughed at. Why spoiling the landscape? Cars can already move everywhere with ease. They don’t have those cumbersome legs. They have wheels, dammit!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Conceptually you are probably right, although watching robots on wheels throw punches is not much less dumb than watching ones on rickety legs do it.

    [Reply]

  18. Remy Marathe says:

    “I could literally feel myself shedding IQ points…”

    Do you have any left?

    Clearly you lost the ones responsible for understanding what “literally” means.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ly1UTgiBXM&list=PL23A83EB802A11BCF&index=11

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right, I did lose those!

    But at least I have enough left not to take grammar lessons from your My Pretty Pony action figure.

    [Reply]

  19. Dave says:

    Seeing this movie get slammed made my day. Look at how many critics on Rotten Tomatoes gave this crap a good review. This is what we consider a fairly good or OK movie now? Also – Mark, not sure why you even banter with the haters. If I had a column I would turn the comments off.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    They don’t realize they amuse me. Because fundamentally they are going to the wall for a movie about a giant robot powered by two idiots on a bicycle and fighting a giant lizard.

    [Reply]

  20. Don A. Noble says:

    But you loved Grown ups 2 right? Yeah I bet you did.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ll take that bet!

    [Reply]

  21. stupid says:

    I lost IQ points for reading your ignorant pointless review of a SCI-FI movie. I don’t even care about the movie. This is just crap writing all around. The fact you are making sexual references to rim jobs and think you are being funny is sad. I feel for you as your life must be pretty pathetic to be unable to suspend reality for ENTERTAINMENT. I wish I could take away my page view and wish even more I could take away your link to RT.

    Seriously DO NOT quit your day job.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh what a shame! And here I just tendered my day job resignation moments before reading your helpful post.

    Although perhaps knowing I have the power to siphon off your IQ points constitutes exactly the kind of special ability many an employer will handsomely compensate me for.

    [Reply]

  22. Sick says:

    Wow. So many hateful spiteful people in this world bickering back and forth. All movies will have critics that don’t give a good rating. I bet some of the other movies Mark Ramsey gives good marks you like too. I will say the crude language in the review is uncalled for. I really hate the direction society is headed in.

    I though the movie was great for the incredible special effects. The computer created locations and enviroments were almost too much to take in. We are starting to take these effects for granted I’m afraid. I might see it again just for the visuals.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If the direction society is headed in is towards the theater showing Pacific Rim, I agree with you.

    [Reply]

  23. Matt says:

    Mark, I agree completely with your review. I love Del Toro, especially his last film Hellboy 2. But this movie was a piece of crap. The action is all CGI nonsense, not exciting at all. None of the characters were interesting or believable. The attempts at humor fell flat. I was bored silly the whole time. Internet fanboys had their minds made up on this before even seeing it. Apparently nobody has a brain anymore and can think for themselves.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I could not agree more.

    Wait, check that, I actually DO agree more! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  24. katlab says:

    WHAT KATE HUDSON IS BULIMIC? WHAT THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO FOCUS ON?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t really know what Kate Hudson does in her private life – I only know she elected to leave me out of it.

    [Reply]

  25. aguywholikesmovies says:

    i don’t understand all of the hate messages, if he didn’t like it that is his opinion. i liked the movie, its dumb, but its entertaining as hell, but i’m not going to complain that A guy doesn’t like it, there’s probably alot of people who don’t like the dark knight trilogy, but it is only when they show there face, is when people get angry. i kinda feel bad for you Mark, you didn’t deserve this kinda treatment just for a review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well thank you! Sympathy from a fan of Pacific Rim! There’s a lesson in humanity in there somewhere.

    Not in the movie, just in your comment.

    [Reply]

  26. Anonymous says:

    I think the most obnoxious thing about this review is that it comes off as if you yourself did not see the movie. Every one of your criticisms could have been gleaned from the trailer (robots vs lizards, no big name actors).

    It seems like you thought you were on your way to see some kind of sophisticated character driven drama/comedy as opposed to a 2013 action film. Stick to reviewing genres that you actually have a chance of enjoying.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If only I had only been subjected to the trailer, the world would be a much better place.

    [Reply]

    Bartholemew Willowdale Reply:

    Well I wasn’t subjected to the trailer, just Mark’s review. You made the world a better place Mark; I ain’t going anywhere near this pile of poop.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “Protecting the World from Crappy Movies since 1998″

  27. Shawn says:

    I am sure you *really* don’t care but in the intro to the movie it was lampshaded that nuclear weapons had little effect on the monsters and at the end of the movie they did use the largest atomic bomb ever built to destroy a monster and it didn’t work very well.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Obviously I should have listened more closely at the beginning and stayed to the very end. That said, the idea that nukes are useless but giant robots run by two guys pedaling work like a charm…why not just spring a Sharknado on the monsters and have let that be the end of it?

    [Reply]

    Bill Reply:

    You can’t seriously base most of your review on the physical logistics of a fictional tale.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I only wish there were physical logistics here. Instead there’s just guys pedaling together to make giant robots walk.

  28. Jon says:

    I was willing to grant this one 2/4 stars, but had issues with the film similar to those you expressed. I did not understand why giant humanoid robots that fight à la WWF are humankind’s only way to defeat the giant monsters. In one scene late in the film, they use a nuke to easily take out two Kaiju. The only thing missing from this suspend all your disbelief film was not having the Jaeger’s learn to do martial arts fighting and slo-mo improbable flipping through the air in the vein of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    How I would have loved to sit through Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon again instead of “Crouching Waste of Time, Hidden Abject Play for International Box Office.”

    [Reply]

  29. mc says:

    how the hell do you know kate hudson is bulimic? and even if she was, that’s really rude. have you ever been bulimic? it sucks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    As I understand it, sucking is the opposite of bulimia.

    [Reply]

  30. thewaronreason says:

    I had to stop watching this movie so I could google “why is pacific rim so stupid”. I came across this site. While I’m sure Mr. Ramsey could have made a more thoughtful attempt at reviewing this movie, why would he? Almost nothing in this movie makes any sense. The fact that millions and millions of dollars were spent to create such a grandiose insult to intelligence is beyond me. While it was admittedly visually entertaining the story is on par with some people found an over sized and vibrantly colored turd and then stared at it for a few hours. All of you people who are upset that some people think this movie was an enormous monument to thoughtlessness, please seek help or remove yourself from the gene pool. If you thought this movie was great I suggest you drop acid and stare at your screensaver as that will probably fulfill your base desires for visual masterbation and undoubtedly reveal a more believable story than anything this movie could ever do.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I guess Google has to make me famous for something! I’ll take “why is pacific rim so stupid.”

    [Reply]

  31. Chibi_cute says:

    This review is the most dumbest ignorant i have ever read. hands down the critic must be a mentally challenged virgin,who have never seen an anime.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know where to begin with your thoughtful comment.

    Should I begin with the words that are missing or the ones that aren’t missing but should be?

    I’ve always looked for an opportunity to use the phrase “most dumbest” and you just dropped it into my lap!

    [Reply]

  32. The Guy Behind The Guy says:

    “The pilots must synchronize their movements like a dance where one pilot massages the Pacific Rim of the other. And they use giant pedals to move the robot’s feet because pedals are inherently more reliable than computers”

    I was thinking the same thing. Couldn’t they really just remotely controlled the Robots and that’s it. HQ had crazy technology that could do everything but we need two people to share their memories…

    At the very least it would have shed about a 1/2 hour off this movie.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I guess you could argue that the pedals are more cinematic.

    Then again, no….

    [Reply]

  33. John says:

    You can’t afford to shed IQ points…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That from a fan of battling giant monsters.

    [Reply]

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