It seems that alien life is entering Earth through a crack between tectonic plates deep in the Pacific. Or was it the crack between the plates in the heads of the folks giving Pacific Rim an A- Cinemascore rating despite being unable to spell “A-”?
Maybe it was through the crack in my ass, because this movie stinks.
Alien monsters battling giant robots! What imagination! Mashing up the giant monster genre with the giant robot genre! Add some LEGOs and the Six Million Dollar Man and you have perfectly captured my childhood toy drawer!
So the world goes about building walls around every coast to keep out the monsters. Boom! The monster goes through the wall on the first try. Nice planning, world! This is the same world that gave us “Gangnam Style,” isn’t it?
The giant robots are operated by two pilots who lock minds in a neural bridge, which I appreciate since at least something neural is happening in this movie. The pilots must synchronize their movements like a dance where one pilot massages the Pacific Rim of the other. And they use giant pedals to move the robot’s feet because pedals are inherently more reliable than computers – just ask the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.
All that mime makes their giant robot, the “Jaeger” work. And a couple of shots of Jägermeister don’t hurt either, especially in those delicate explorations of each others’ Pacific Rim.
There’s a rule in Hollywood that every giant robot must look like a Transformer and gesticulate like Pop Amazon Jessie J because, as every engineer knows, nothing’s more stable than an oversized behemoth on a couple of lumbering mechanical legs. That’s why cars are built with legs rather than wheels, after all!
Come on now, Hollywood Imagineers. Are giant man-like robots really the best way to kill monsters? Is literally punching a monster in the nose really the best we can do?
“Forget the Nukes! Just build a giant slab of metal that can throw a good right hook! And can we get it with Pandora built into the dashboard?”
Hey who are these actors? And why are they less famous than the stars of Sharknado?
Oops, I spoke too soon. There’s Ron Perlman, the Steven Seagal of summer blockbusters, whose introduction brings virtually the only laugh in this movie, despite the fact that the rest of it is so very laughable.
These giant monsters are so big they evidently need two brains because one brain just isn’t enough – ironically also true of the audience and the filmmakers.
Look out! One monster spits acid! Yikes, these monsters are adapting! Today it spits acid, tomorrow it will spit one-liners on Joan Rivers’ Fashion Police on E! Monsters everywhere! Some in black leather and chiffon!
As I watched Pacific Rim I could literally feel myself shedding IQ points the way Kate Hudson sheds a big lunch in the bathroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Yes, this movie is making me even dumber, hard as that may be to do.
Sure, you can check your brain at the door, but for Pacific Rim do you have to check both of them?