The Wolverine

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By Mark Ramsey | 2013/08/01

It has been a while since a movie where every actor spends the whole movie trying to kill every other actor, but only after delivering an incredibly long soliloquy which, under any other circumstance, would offer the intended victim time not only to escape, but to escape to Starbucks for a Venti Caramel Latte, a scone, and a leisurely read of the Sunday New York Times.

And if you thought that sentence was long, wait until someone is about to kill you in The Wolverine.

We begin at the close of WWII in Nagasaki about two inches from nuclear ground zero. Fortunately, the Wolverine can’t be stopped by a nuclear blast unless the blast takes out every international box office first.

“I’m blast-proof,” says Wolverine, “much like the ongoing cultural relevance of Jenny McCarthy, who sticks to the limelight like a piece of Charmin to my shoe.”

Watch your dreams, Wolverine!

He’s prone to nightmares embedded in other nightmares. And no, I am not only referring to X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Every time he sleeps, Wolverine dreams of a foreboding message from the late Famke Janssen.

“Famke, why do you come to me with so many facial lines removed by CG?”

“I’m auditioning for PIXAR.”

Cut to: Tokyo! There, the Wolverine is disguised as the star of Les Miserables, with scruffy hair, full beard, and an uncanny numbness to the sanctimonious histrionics of Anne Hathaway. Here, the only thing made of the indestructible metal Adamantium is the refrigerator box he calls home.

Fortunately, two old Japanese ladies are schooled in the quirky Wolverine haircut and facial trim. Because one needs to be cleaned up good before meeting his host’s supermodel oncologist.

“If you were as sick as I am,” said the old Japanese man propped up on a bed of hydraulic pistons, “your oncologist would be a supermodel too – in a school-girl costume with braids and in need of a spanking!” And with that, he programmed his sleep number into his hydraulic piston bed and settled in for a needle-nosed nap.

You know you’re in the presence of Ninjas when guys in black do somersaults not because they need to, but just because they can. For this movie, Wolverine needs a sidekick, ideally a young Japanese Ninja-type girl with eyes so far apart she refers to her good side as “the one with the eye.”

Now keep that eye on the oncologist, because her long tongue can stick a spider down your throat to surround your heart and sap your supernatural abilities! “Normally it takes a live performance from CeeLo Green to do that!” exclaims Wolverine.

Cue the beginning of a story with no end:

“When I was 5….”

Uh oh, here it comes. Time for me to fly cross-country for a few hours. I’ll be back before you wrap it up.

With a Venti Caramel Latte and a scone.

“Did you know I studied biology in college….”

Uh oh, here comes another one. I know Wolverine is eternal, but the rest of us are spinning around on this blue dot for only a short time and we’d like to spend a few moments with our families before we go.

Ah, Wolverine! What woman doesn’t love a man whose fists have built-in landscaping tools, and who knows every tune in the Rodgers & Hammerstein songbook?!

Cut to: Samurai Robot!

Because every cinematic extravaganza can be improved by robots. Just ask anyone who has played opposite Jennifer Aniston.

Lo and behold, the supermodel oncologist is also a super-villain oncologist – she’ll kill you if the long delay in her waiting room doesn’t do it first. They call her “Viper” because she sheds one peculiar facial mole to reveal another peculiar facial mole.

“I am immune to the toxin that is man,” she says, “but I’ll watch every episode of the toxin that is The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

The final sequence is so over-the-top your eyes will be rolling out of your head, through the exit, and into the back alley where they will share a smoke, pack hobo bags, hop a train, learn the harmonica, and climb into an ASPCA cage with Sarah McLaughlin.

The Wolverine wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible either.

Now let me go spring my eyes from that cage.

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18 Responses to “The Wolverine”

  1. StDee says:

    Not sure what you’re talking about when you say Famke’s “so many facial lines” – you can find extremely high res candids of her on the web & see the only noticeably lines she has are around her eyes (which could be seen in the Wolverine). It’s due to the miracle of botox, fillers, and lasers!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I evidently forgot to spend my time looking for extremely high res candids of Famke. I’m going to get on that right away!

    [Reply]

  2. Eric Clark says:

    I couldn’t get passed your own infatuation with trying to be witty.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And I couldn’t get passed your English as a second language.

    [Reply]

    Mr. X Reply:

    Burn! Well sort of.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    See, now you were better off leaving it at “Amen.”

  3. Owen says:

    The only thing more daunting than seeing a crappy retread of a comic film, is reading lines from a critic who thinks its open mic night at a comedy club.
    Seriously your publication should keep an eye on you. That was the most garish review I’ve read in the past decade.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “I’m here all week!”

    [Reply]

  4. Stephanie says:

    So, my question is, where there any shots of Wolverine walking away from stuff blowing up, like in the last movie? I couldn’t get “passed” how terrible that movie was! Is this one any better?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Um, well, this time the explosions are in Japan.

    [Reply]

  5. David Peretiatko says:

    I didn’t like the movie either, but that was the most confusing, incoherent, and obnoxious movie review I’ve ever read. I don’t even disagree with you about anything you said, really. It’s just the way you said it, the references you used, and your unbelievably annoying sense of “humor”. I’d rather have to watch The Wolverine 3 times in a row, long speeches and all, than have to read your review 3 times in a row. Holy crap.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least you ended with a prayer.

    [Reply]

    Mr. X Reply:

    Amen.

    [Reply]

  6. Meridth Peters says:

    What a load of pretentious twaddle! I’m sure that we would add appreciate a real review rather than you trying your hand at humour.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    A lecture on humor – from the land of Benny Hill and Mr. Bean.

    [Reply]

  7. Bartholemew Willowdale says:

    Props for the Sarah McLaughlin reference because I’m Canadian. But it doesn’t make much sense… my eyeballs are in a cage with Sarah McLaughlin, say what ? and wtf is aspca ? Anyway thanks for reviewing another movie I shall never watch.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I have been informed that The Google exists even for our friends in the Great White North. I’m sure it can guide you to the meaning of “ASPCA.”

    And you’re welcome! That’s what I call utility! A review for something you have no interest in!

    [Reply]

  8. Kelly says:

    I am a huge Fan of comic icons and I have seen a lot characters portrayed by very good actors. And for Hugh Jackman just fit so well in wolverines character. And surely i’ll be watching this again.

    KZ Audio Video

    [Reply]

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