Riddick

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By Mark Ramsey | 2013/09/09

Riddick!

It’s the future – or the past – or another time – or another place – or maybe I just wish all that were true!

Riddick!

His eyes glow – while yours and mine simply glaze over!

Riddick!

¿Quién es más macho? Riddick es más macho!

Riddick!

Because one name says it all – and not nearly enough – all at the same time!

Riddick!

Because “Riddikulous” has too many syllables.

Riddick!

Hey, if it’s got “dick” in it, it must be as good as a Kardashian!

Okay, we open on a world only Riddick understands, and it’s all downhill from there!

When we last saw Riddick, he was mumbling through a completely different film franchise.

“I’ve been here before,” he slurs. Well I will never be here again, I can tell you that much.

It’s a world of wires and green screens and gray market Human Growth Hormone from the studio physician, Dr. Felonious Feelgood.

“Don’t knock Human Growth Hormone – it means at least something in this movie is human,” says Riddick – and by “says” I mean “slurs.”

“I don’t know how many times my low-slung testicles have dragged me, mumbling and rumbling, through a guttural monologue,” says Riddick, who is up for  Oscars in two new categories this year:

“Most Gratuitous Self-Esteem” and “Best Australopithecus.”

Riddick is the story of a man-like, actor-like beast and his space dog struggling to survive in a land where the only nutrients are muscle-building supplements and a wide variety of free weights.

Riddick is being watched! And not only by the disapproving gaze of the audience! No! Also by mercenaries bent on his retrieval. And I hope they retrieve the rest of my dignity while they’re at it.

Wait, Riddick was King of the Necromongers!? I’m assuming that’s a biker gang in Venice, right? What are the qualifications for being crowned Necromonger King, anyway, a high ratio of forehead-to-penis size?

Check!

“Riddick only kills when it’s justified – that’s what makes him cool,” said director David Twohy. “What also makes him cool is that his movie opened on a weekend where the only other new thing at the box office was a 64-ounce Kale-flavored Slurpee.”

The testosterone drips from the screen like the sweat from Riddick’s brow. And that brow has been thousands of years of evolution in the un-making – a brow so heavy it must be checked on commercial flights – a brow that goes “beep”…”beep”…”beep” when it backs up.

Look, if you like to watch a lumbering muscle-man do slow motion leaps into the air, Riddick is the movie for you.

This movie would have been better with a laugh track, besides the one I had to insert myself.

Says Riddick: “There are bad days – and there are legendary bad days.”

And that goes to prove director Twohy’s claim that “If you open enough fortune cookies, a script naturally emerges.”

Beware: Low-hanging forehead.

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5 Responses to “Riddick”

  1. Rob says:

    “that brow has been thousands of years of evolution in the un-making” — made me laugh out loud :-)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ha! You are a man of indisputable taste, Rob! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  2. mlondon says:

    Hilarious!! I would seriously marry u Mark u make this Brit laugh.. !

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are you even a lady?

    [Reply]

  3. Brian says:

    I grudgingly admit I laughed out loud at “Kale-flavored Slurpee”.

    [Reply]

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