Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

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By Mark Ramsey | 2014/01/25

What could be more predictable than new chapters of the Paranormal Activity franchise?

How about spinoffs which follow the exact same formula and even feature special guest appearances by franchise regulars? Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones should be marked “return to sender.”

Wait, is this a spinoff? A sidetrip? An exit ramp? Or a phishing scheme?

I vote for phishing scheme.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is written and directed by Christopher Landon, son of Michael Landon, whose Little House on the Prairie pantry must have been stocked full of a very small number of original ideas and a very large quantity of fine weed.

The makers of this franchise noticed that Hispanic audiences were flocking in droves to the Paranormal Activity fright-fests. Shockingly, some Hollywood exec put two and two together and came up with cuatro. And faster than you can say “ay, caramba” a cleverly bilingual paranormal entity invades the Spanish-speaking part of town turning it to taco Hell.

It’s a spinoff that spins right off the rails!

We begin with a high school graduation – and that’s exactly where the education ends.

We hear groans and growls through an air vent. Maybe it’s the producers trying to digest their integrity without spraying it all over their high priced toilets.

Come to find out there’s a witch living in the apartment complex!  I know because I just saw her fly her broom out to pick up a churro.

Say what you will about the spooks. I think the most horrifying scene in this movie is clearly the one where one of our heroes has a penis drawn onto his face. And let’s acknowledge that anyone with a penis for a face must be a hero. Just ask Danny Trejo.

Fortunately our friends discover a way to communicate with the entity: By question and answer with one of those old SIMON kids’ toys. And that’s only because the talking My Pretty Pony licensing deal didn’t pan out. Indeed, I’ve been asking questions of my LEGOS lately – like “why do I still own LEGOS?”

Our hero discovers that he has been bitten by the entity and now is developing super powers, like the ability to fall back and remain suspended in mid-air – just like the better judgment of the audience.

It’s only a matter of time until we discover a character with a suspicious wall of newspaper clippings. Where are these walls of newspaper clippings, other than in movies featuring walls of newspaper clippings?

Suddenly our “marked” hero gets moody. Before you know it, all over the house crucifixes are tumbling faster than dashed audience expectations.

Cut to a guest appearance by franchise regular “Katie” whose presence in a Paranormal Activity movie is about as predictable as a Kim Kardashian selfie.

Hey, I didn’t say this was Para-good, I said it was Paranormal!

There’s not enough salsa in all of East LA to make this movie anything but guaca-muddy. This is a by-the-numbers take on the Paranormal Activity franchise, no matter whether those numbers are in English or Spanish.

Somebody stick a fork in this franchise. Or at least drown it in molé sauce.

And every member of the cast and crew along with it.

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2 Responses to “Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones”

  1. David says:

    Hi Mark,

    Any plans to run your own Riff Trax? Always been a big fan and keep coming back to see your latest and greatest.

    Cheers!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hi David, as you can tell things have been quiet in MovieJuice land over the past few months. I do hope to gear things up once again at some point, but in the meantime I thank you for your interest and support!

    [Reply]

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